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Take your candle, go light your world

3/28/2017

Candles, good china, perfume. Where in the world am I going with this? I have always been a collector. Just ask my husband about baskets, lots and lots of baskets...Some things I collect just because I like them. I have quite a few rolling pins. An Italian ravioli rolling pin, a cobalt blue glass one and a beautiful marble one. I love to cook and those are an extension of that love. But all the candles, the bottles of perfume? That comes more from feeling like I will never get any more of them or the thought that some day I might really need them. I have quite a few drawers full of candles. Why? I think it comes down to fear. Fear of lack, fear of squandering resources. Fear of truly trusting God with all that I have?
The older I get, the more time in self-examination I spend. Some good, some bad, but if I am attempting to live a Christ-like life, it will all turn me towards Him. I've been thinking of relationships a lot lately. I've come to the conclusion that I am not very good at them. There are times that I feel lonely and alone and friendless and then have to assume that that is my own fault. I have a hard time letting people in.
Just like the holding on to things, I hold onto my emotions, my feelings, my love too maybe? I think of relatives who lived through the depression. Who really went through times of lack and real times of fear. There is a scarcity mentality that they live with. Using a tea bag three times so that the box will last longer. Taking short, cool showers to save water and power. Or going to extremes and hoarding. Saving things that have no true value to anyone else, but makes sense to the person hoarding. Plastic bags, rubber bands, balls of foil. What starts as a fear becomes a sickness and often ends up driving their loved ones away.
The word stingy comes to mind for me. I know that does not describe me in every way. I do try to give to others. When I see someone in need I will attempt to help fill that need. We have given cars to people. Food and resources. Money when it's needed. We open our home once a week for bible study and that takes time and preparation. That kind of giving comes easier for me. But giving myself, opening up to others; that is much harder. In reading up on what some call emotional stinginess it is often traced back to childhood. Many resources say it has to do with fear of control. Others say it is because of lack of trust or fear of intimacy. I think for me it may have to do with all three of those issues. Being a child of alcoholics is difficult. Having parents that were emotionally absent is painful. Being alone a lot of your childhood has affects. Having been molested and not being able to tell your parents is devastating. And having grown up in a non-Christian home teaches you that you have no one to turn to. So I turned to drinking and drugs and bad relationships to fill all those swiss cheese holes in my heart and soul.
It took meeting my husband and being introduced to the Lord through him to begin any healing that I have had. Accepting Jesus not just as Saviour, but as Lord made some big inroads into bringing peace into my life. But again, taking time for self-examination shows me that I may have not made as much progress as I thought. It is painful to look at yourself and see where you fall short. But it is a mirror that I believe God allows us to look into, not for our harm and our shame, but to bring us true healing and to cause us to grow. I am going to be 55 in less than a month and I am tired. I am tired of me. I truly want to be more like Him. Loving others, loving myself enough to be able to give others more of myself.
I look at my husband and see this extrovert and how he loves being around people and spending time with them. That is so not me. It is often almost painful for me to have to be in a group of people. It takes a lot out of me and often by Friday I am so ready for a quiet weekend and time alone. That is part of my makeup, how God made me, but He also made me to be like Him and that means loving others, being vulnerable and being open. That is foreign to me. I remember as a child after being put to bed, wanting a drink of water, or for my dad to come in the room. I would say to myself, just call out, "Dad". I couldn't do it. I would then say, ok, count to ten and then call him. I was afraid I would bother him, or make him angry or that he just wouldn't hear me. I kept needing a drink of water bottled up. So how easy will it be for me to open up and let others see deep inside?
I have one friend that I have known for about twenty years. I am just starting to be able to open up to her. It is not only like taking your clothes off in public, but peeling your skin off too. Letting it all hang out. She is kind. Taking baby steps with me. Last year she told me that she was hurt that I had always tried to be there for her and others, but never let her do the same for me. That hurt, but it brought freedom also. I apologized and have tried to let her in more. A few days ago we were talking and I said how I feel like an outsider, not fitting in, not having friends. She said that a few years ago someone had said to her that they did not want to get to know me because they thought that I thought I was too good for others, that I was so put together that I came off as being better than others. Oh, my; I didn't at the time she said that, but it made me cry. I have spent so much of my life feeling like I don't fit in. That I don't belong, that I am not wanted. That I am unattractive and unworthy and unneeded. I do my hair and makeup just so. I try to dress like I have some sense of style. I suppose I put on a mask. A mask that looks acceptable and put together, but a mask that I guess makes others not want to get to know me. What I thought would make others accept me pushed them farther away. A mask that hides our true selves from others, that doesn't let them see in also doesn't let us see out very well. Any type of mask will limit our range of vision.
I doubt I will change how I look, but I want to change how others see me. I want to take off the mask and let others see not just Gail, but see the Lord. I want others to see not fear, but love. I have been afraid pretty much my whole life. Afraid of rejection, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being used. Afraid that in reaching out I will get slapped down. But, duh, all of those things have already happened...so how much worse can it get? I hope it's not like praying and asking God for patience...
Ok, so slipping the mask off. I am insecure, I am a bit socially awkward. I am afraid of reaching out, afraid of asking for help. I am self-conscious, I am not comfortable in crowds. I feel that I am being judged and that I come up short. I fear that I will let others down and that I will be ashamed and embarrassed. I don't trust a lot of people.
I do trust God. I trust that He loves me. I trust that He has chosen me as His daughter. I trust in His word and in His plan for me. And I trust that He wants me to be better than I am, and that even if it hurts, if I trust Him, He will get me there. I trust that He does not want me to live in a scarcity mentality. Whether it is a fear of lack of things, resources, provision or love. I trust that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and can and will provide. I trust that He has a deep, enduring and never-ending well of love for me. And I trust that He has put people around me who will help me to realize that I, as John Donne so eloquently put it am not an island and need others in my life. To love me, to comfort me, to encourage me, to chastise me.
So to those friends and family and people I may have just interacted with, I apologize. I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to let my own lack cause you to feel less than. Never intended to let my stinginess make you feel unloved, unwanted. And that I will do my best to change that, with the Lord's help. Please be patient with me on this journey, I am sure I will stumble along the way, but I am on the way. Hopefully I am on His way.
I am going to open us those drawers full of candles, literally and figuratively. Candles in a drawer don't make light. People in a mask don't show His light. Here is to opening the drawer, here is to taking off the mask. Light that candle and let it shine. Show your face and let His light shine. And like a moth to the flame, see what it draws to you.

#justmeredeemed

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Mawage, that bwessed awangment

3/15/2017

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Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.
Ah, the day has finally come. Silk and lace, roses and baby's breath, wedding cake and toasts to the bride and groom. All the preparation, all the planning and dreaming. The beautiful fairy tale wedding with all the bells and whistles. Everything has come off just as you hoped and now you can relax. Ha, I would say that is the fairy tale. All the work stops after the ceremony, now you can rest and enjoy yourself. Yeah, not so much.
I think, like I did, most people think about all that comes before the 'I do', not what comes after. You finally meet 'the One' and then all the thought goes into that special day, not into all the days after. The not-so-special days, the joyful days, the boring days, the wonderful days, the mundane days, the heartbreaking days. Hours and days are spent planning for the nuptials, but no time is spent considering all the hours and days and years after.
My first marriage came apart at about 7 months and then died a slow death, ending after a year or so. My marriage to Jim started on a higher note, we were both Christians, we at least had that. But we had no well thought-out plan, we had no mentoring, no accountability. We had our ups and downs, mostly downs, and then separated at about 10 years. It was only the grace of God and lots of prayer and hard work that got us back together. What had we done wrong?
Just as in planning a wedding, you need to plan for married life. Just as the bride spends hours and hours, sometimes a life time picking out that perfect dress, we need to carefully choose what we are going to wear, not as bride and groom, but as wife and husband. The bride-to-be contemplates many things when choosing her dress; silk or organza, lace or tulle, traditional or modern, ballgown or mermaid. Oh so many choices. If you don't believe me, just watch 'Say Yes to the Dress'! We are not only talking fabric choices, we are also talking what color, white, off-white, eggshell, ecru, the list goes on. And how much are you willing to spend on that dream of a dress?
We as Christian spouses also need to choose how we are going to be arrayed. What garments will we clothe ourselves in? Will we be quick to anger, hold grudges, carry a balance sheet of our mate's every right and wrong; or will we be patient, considerate, carefully weighing our words and actions? What will we adorn ourselves with? "Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ," Romans 13:14 (NIV). If we outfit ourselves in the attributes of Jesus it is akin to wearing a silk dress rather than a burlap one. It is having fine crystals and lace on our gown rather than dirty pebbles and cobwebs. It is wearing the best we have, giving the best we have to the one the Lord has given to us. It is, "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothing yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience," Colossians 3:12 (NIV). We spend so much time pondering what we will wear for our wedding, not just to dazzle our husband, but to impress others and for all those wedding photos to pass on for posterity. How about we spend some time thinking about how to overwhelm our mates with our kindness, how to inspire others with our humility, and pass on to future generations a Godly heritage, not just a flat image that fades with time. The way to do that is to "Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony," Colossians 3:14 (NLT).
What is a wedding without beautiful flowers. Fragrant roses, elegant lilies, exotic orchids, happy sunflowers and daisies. Endless varieties and colors. Their perfumes filling the air with a sweet scent. The atmosphere redolent with their delightful aroma. Scent plays such an important part in our lives. Maybe that is why there are so many air fresheners on the market! Scent sets the tone. Some of the first impressions of a home are from what you smell when you walk in. Does it smell clean and fresh. Does it smell like day old cabbage and cat litter. Your nose knows. Just so with our lives. What is the aroma that we give off? Is it an aroma of selfishness and self-interest. The scent of desperation and frustration. Or is it a pleasing fragrance of love, peace and joy. Do we carry the essence of dust and dirt like Pig-Pen from Peanuts or do we "walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance," Ephesians 5:2 (AMP). Jesus showed His love for us by giving us His all, literally His life for us. His offering, His sacrifice became a sweet aroma, a fragrant scent and we also are to follow His example. If we love as He does, we are to hold nothing back. No tit for tat, no holding accounts; we are to give our all, even our lives to that one that He gave to us. We are, because of the knowledge of Jesus and His sacrifice for us to live a life so that "Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God," 2 Corinthians 2:15 (Message). When I put perfume on in the morning, it is not only because I like the particular scent I pick to please myself, it is also so that when I come close to my husband he smells the sweetness also. And as I walk by him during the day that sweetness continues to waft through the air, so he can catch my scent and even in the busyness of the day know that I am thinking of him. I want my presence in his life to be a sweet smelling savor, so that he not only knows I love him, but that God loves him.
And speaking of sweet, oh that extravagant multi-tiered cake! Chocolate, vanilla, red velvet. Covered in glorious icing and festooned with swags and flowers and edible pearls. I love cake, and I love frosting. The sweeter the better! I have made quite a few wedding cakes in my time. They have all been lovely, but I did have close calls with a couple of them. One was a large cake, with tiers and pillars. I got it all set up on the table I was told to place it on, only to have another member of the family come and say no it goes on that table. So I had to try to very carefully pick up the fully assembled cake and move it about ten feet to another table. The whole ceremony I was watching that cake like a hawk, thinking it was going to topple over and land on the floor! Thank goodness that didn't happen!
But the work that goes into making that cake; making it not only beautiful, but also making it taste delicious! Our lives are like that. Even down to this glorious wedding day. All as perfect as can be, but is there substance behind the splendor? Is the cake a sumptuous delight or sawdust covered with spackle? Part of our obligation to our spouses is to provide not only the aesthetics, but also sustenance. We are to provide nourishment to them; physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. We need to make our homes a place of refuge and safety and a habitat that is welcoming to the Spirit of God. We need to feed each other the word of God, because we all know that Jesus said that “It takes more than bread to stay alive. It takes a steady stream of words from God’s mouth,” Matthew 4:4 (Message). We must nourish each other with a diet of love and affirmation. We must make the effort to sustain each other with prayer.
We must choose to give each other the first-fruits, or the best of what we are and what we have rather than the two day old leftovers that have lost their nutritional value and their flavor. We need to remember that it is God first and then our spouse and then others. It becomes so easy over time to be kind to strangers and to take out our anger and frustrations on our mates. They should be the ones who see the best in us, they should be the ones to get the best from us. They should get the carefully prepared gourmet meal, not the 99 cent fast food deal of the day. Lay out your fancy tablecloth, set out your best china and serve them a meal of love, grace and mercy that will sustain them and give them great pleasure.
And finally the wedding toast. The original meaning of the wedding speech or toast is to wish the new couple health and luck in their marriage. Guests are then invited by the speech maker to raise their glasses and to drink to the happy couple's health, wealth and happiness. The clinking of glasses as the toast is being made stems from medieval times when to ring a bell signified that no evil spirits were present to influence the marriage. As Christians our toast should be prayer that covers the new couple, community that provides help and accountability and friendships to give strength. A toast is meant to set the tone, give wisdom, provide encouragement, and even entertain a little. That is what we are to do as spouses, as mates, as partners. Not only wish each other good wishes, but give our all to make sure it comes to fruition.
Think not only about the wedding, but about the marriage and then wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva…

The Impressive Clergyman quotes from Princess Bride
Purpose of wedding toast from weddingspeechbuilder.com

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Thinking Them Thoughts

3/7/2017

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"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse," Phillipians 4:8 (MSG).
I have been sitting here literally for 45 minutes with a totally blank mind. I have no idea what to write about today and any ideas I have had keep rabbit-trailing through my mind. Since I could think of nothing to think of, I went to the Bible...think on these things..."whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (NIV) As an introvert who tends towards pessimism I can get into a world of trouble when I get too much into my own head. It can be a downward spiral of thoughts that go from just the mundane to slightly aggravating to downright apocalyptic. Runaway thoughts become a ticket on the crazy train.
I have to actively keep my thoughts on the Lord and His plans for me so that I don't become a negative Nelly, a Debbie downer. I have to do as it says in Phillipians 4:8 and think on the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable.
What is true? Well, the ultimate truth for me is that God is, and God loves, and that God loves me. He has chosen me before the foundations of the world, (Ephesians 1:4). He chose me and He has a plan for me, and that plan is for my good and not my harm, (Jeremiah 29:11). The truth is that no matter where I am, no matter what I go through, He is with me and nothing will separate me from His love and His presence, (Romans 8:38-39). He will never leave me or forsake me, (Hebrews 13:5). So, what is true? He is. The way, the truth and the life, (John 14:6).
What is noble? Those things that are noble are the things that are of exalted character or excellence. This means thinking with the mind of Christ, (Phillipians 2:5). This means looking past human faults and frailties and seeing others through the eyes of Jesus. This means being slow to anger and quick to forgive. It means not just looking out for ourselves but putting others before us, (Phillipians 2:3-4). Being noble means being honorable and worthy and living a life that shows what an honorable and worthy God we serve.
What is right? I think this can be summed up in one verse, Micah 6:8, "O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." (NIV) If we do what is right or just that means it is guided by truth or according to God's will and His word. If we love mercy it means that we act with compassion or forbearance, especially towards those who may have offended us. If we walk humbly with God it means that we realize God's greatness and His grace and we live in a manner that shows honor to Him. Titus 3:1-7 says this, "Remind your people to obey the government and its officers, and always to be obedient and ready for any honest work. They must not speak evil of anyone, nor quarrel, but be gentle and truly courteous to all. Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient; we were misled by others and became slaves to many evil pleasures and wicked desires. Our lives were full of resentment and envy. We hated others and they hated us. But when the time came for the kindness and love of God our Savior to appear, then he saved us—not because we were good enough to be saved but because of his kindness and pity—by washing away our sins and giving us the new joy of the indwelling Holy Spirit, whom he poured out upon us with wonderful fullness—and all because of what Jesus Christ our Savior did so that he could declare us good in God’s eyes—all because of his great kindness; and now we can share in the wealth of the eternal life he gives us, and we are eagerly looking forward to receiving it." (Living Bible) When we realize who God is, what He has done for us and what He has not only saved us from, but what He has saved us to, we have the desire to live rightly and to honor Him with our lives, our actions, our words.
What is pure? When we look at what pure means, the definition is free from anything of a different, inferior or contaminating kind. Pure gold, pure water. Undefiled. It means having the mind of Christ, it means dwelling on His word, it means not thinking the way the world thinks. It means giving ourselves to Him totally; body, mind, soul and spirit. "Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies [dedicating all of yourselves, set apart] as a living sacrifice, holy and well-pleasing to God, which is your rational (logical, intelligent) act of worship. And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]." (Romans 12:1-2, AMP) When I think of pure I think of cold, fresh water running in a mountain stream. Refreshing, invigorating, restorative. That is what we are to be as His children to those around us. A cold drink of water on a hot day. Uplifting and rejuvenating to those who are lost and alone. Energizing and fortifying to those worn and weary. Showing His pure love.
What is lovely? Lovely is what is delightful or exquisitely beautiful. When I think of lovely, I think of Jesus. I think of His compassion for us. I think of His sacrifice for us. I think of the joy He gets in our fellowship with Him. I think of the memory of the dream or vision I had of Him holding me, a lost and forsaken child, curled up in the dirt; loved by no one and desolate. That feeling of His holding me can only be described as exquisitely beautiful, precious beyond words. He is so beautiful, in all that He is and all that He does. If I am His child, then I am to be as He is. Walking as He did, (1 John 2:6). Following in His steps, (1 Peter 2:21). Being imitators of God, (Eph. 5:1-2) Doing as He tells us, (Luke 6:46). Being gentle and humble, (Matthew 11:29). What is lovely? It is being a reflection of Christ to a lost and dying world.
What is admirable? Being admirable means inspiring affection or reverence. And as a Christian that means pointing all of that back to Jesus. Anything good in us, anything worthy, anything commendable, it all comes to us through Him and from Him. We are who we are because of His love for us, His sacrifice for us. Without His virgin birth, without His death for our sins, without His resurrection we are just lumps of flesh, breathing in and out, just going through the motions. What is admirable? It is loving like He does. It is making the hard decisions to live as He did. It is making sacrifices so that others will be blessed. It is giving our all to proclaim His grace and glory. Admirable also means wonderful and marvelous. Psalms has more than one verse that speaks of God's wonderful works towards man. Even His name is wonderful, (Isaiah 9:6). And yes great and marvelous are His deeds, (Rev. 15:3). He is worthy of our love, He is worthy of our affection, He is worthy of our admiration.
So thinking of these things, all that is excellent or praiseworthy, is easy when we dwell on Him. When we get out of our own heads and seek His heart. When we take our focus off of the world and put it on Him. When we stop looking at all of the troubles, issues and annoyances and see all of the blessings that He has bestowed on us. No runaway thoughts here; instead meditating on the Lord and His goodness. Rather than getting on the crazy train we will be on that gospel train bound for glory.

All definitions from definition.com

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Take your candle, go light your world

Mawage, that bwessed awangment

Thinking Them Thoughts

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