Last week I wrote about the shame I feel in dealing with my weight issues. I know there are many of us, especially us women who deal with shame on a daily basis. We hate how we look, we feel we are not good enough, we are not smart enough. We feel we don't do enough, we feel angry when we have to do everything and then feel ashamed for that anger. Shame piles up on us like someone has taken a dustpan full of ashes and poured them over our head. I never watched the movie 'Carrie', but I have seen that one horrible picture of when the spiteful students pour a bucket of pig's blood all over her. That is what shame feels like.
Shame is this thick, sticky thing that when we let it set just coagulates around everything. It becomes this gelatinous mass that seems impossible to remove and we feel that the stain will last forever. Shame, though an inner emotion makes it feel as if everyone can see every wrong thing you've done, every mistake you've made, every error in judgment. Makes me think of another visual of public shame and humiliation, that old practice of being tarred and feathered. The use of pine tar and feathers to publicly humiliate a person is purportedly said to have first been used by King Richard the Lionheart all the way back in 1189. While generally not physically lethal, the emotional and psychological effects could be devastating. That is how shame feels.
But where does shame really come from? What causes us to feel that we are less than, worthless, never enough? Truly, from my own experience it comes from my not believing who I am in the Lord. I know that is the truth, but I still often struggle with it. As I said last week, I know better but I still battle with it.
As I think on this, I think of the scripture in Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus". Yes, we say. That's it. That is all we have to remember, there is now no condemnation for us now that we believe in Jesus. There is no longer any accusation, any blame, any reproof. No shame. But we still live in it...why? We need to read the rest of that scripture, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." When we walk in shame, we are walking in the flesh. When we remember to walk in the Spirit, when we remember who we are in Christ through His sacrifice, we don't allow ourselves to dwell on the things of the flesh, namely shame.
If you look at shame purely though a psychological lense it says this, "As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards." But truly, shame is something that separates us from God. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves, not on who Christ is in us. It causes us to default back to the way we were before belief in Jesus; we rate ourselves on our own merits, we judge ourselves on our own scale. And that scale is always tipped, and not in our favor.
As we continue to read in Romans 8:5,6 " For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." I don't know about you, but when I am in that cycle of shame, I feel depressed, I feel weighted down, I feel dark. It feels like death. That is what that verse says, to be in the carnal mind is to be in death. The feelings of despair, of hopelessness, of despondency are as thick as that pine tar. What was internal is now visible externally. Through our behavior, through our actions, or lack of action. For me through my poor choices in eating. Feeding my shame with sugar and junk and pardon my language, with crap. It's a compulsion and I, myself am at a loss to stop it.
But alas, I am not by myself. I have Another who loves me. I have One who wants me to live and to live abundantly. Abundantly in the Spirit. Remember, to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. As my friend Ken teaches, we have to make right choices. Every day to choose to live for Christ, to live after His ways, to choose His will. And oh, some days that is so hard. When the shame and frustration and weight of the world seem to be more than I can bear...but wait, He said He took all of that for us. On that cross, that public tool of humiliation and shame...He took our sins, He took our burdens, He took our shame.
Again, this is a journey for me, as it is for many of you. Day by day to wake up and say, this is the day that the Lord has made. This is the day to be glad in Him. To forsake shame and to rise up as His child. To realize in ourselves we lack, but there is no lack in Him. That in ourselves we fail, but He will never fail us. That in the midst of our despair there is joy everlasting in Him. That is what faith is all about. We need to get rid of our own stinkin' thinkin' and really trust that all He says is true. The tar and feathers that have been used to bring shame can be shaken off and we can gather those feathers up and make a bed to rest in Him as we walk by His power and in His Spirit. I don't know about you, but I certainly can use some rest.

All scripture is from the King James Bible
Information on tar and feathering from https://www.ranker.com/list/history-of-tarring-and-feathering/rachel-souerbry
Quote on shame from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

Where do I begin? I somehow maintained writing last year when I was ill and had to go through two surgical procedures. I worked, cared for grandbabies. I just kept going and tried to stay positive and keep my trust in the Lord. Then in the fall there were so many changes that I felt like a boxer who had been punched so many times that I was punch drunk. I felt as though I were staggering through life and couldn't get my balance back. What little equilibrium I had was lost when there was a horrible rift in my family. The church that we felt at home in closed unexpectedly. Then our business was sold and all of the identity I had in that was suddenly gone. I was lying on the mat and the eight count was done. I felt like I couldn't even get up.
I never lost my trust in the Lord but it felt like He was a million miles away. I know He never moved, that it was my own dull hearing and lack of vision that made me lose sight of Him, but the distance felt overwhelming. I felt as though I fell into a depression, a sadness and feeling of loss that I could not get through. I knew I still had to 'do' life; people have to eat, clothes have to be washed, bills need to be paid but all I felt was despair. I guess I could have just gone to bed and never gotten out of it. There were days that I certainly wanted to. There were lots of days where it was just getting the bare minimum done and watching Hallmark movies all day. Right, like that's going to make me feel better; they all got their happy endings.
To my shame the way I dealt with that depression and feelings of loss was to eat. That is what I have always fallen back on. I look back and see the patterns, see the way I just default to that response. Sugar, whatever I can fill my mouth with to make me feel better for the moment. And the thing about dealing with depression this way is that everyone can see it. I feel ashamed of myself. I now more than ever don't even want to leave the house because I am so embarrassed by the weight I have put on. I have a beautiful car I could be driving but I am humiliated to even get into it. It feels like with every pound that went on that the 'Loser' sign on my forehead just got larger. So it becomes a vicious circle; stay inside and eat, feel ashamed and don't want to get out, so I eat. Feel as though any self-control I have is gone, eat.
My best friend always says that people don't really know me. That they see me a certain way, all put together and on top of the world basically. You know what, all of us wear masks. We all hide things, we all have pain that needs to be dealt with. I am a woman who has gone through hell, been received into the heavenly realm by my Father and I still struggle. When you think of people losing control you think of drugs or alcohol or drastic dangerous behavior. I've done all of that. Now this is my nemesis. This is my shame. And honestly at the moment I don't see a way out of it. There have been so many times I just pulled myself up by my boot straps and kept going, but I am tired and I am weary and I just don't have it in me. I can't even seem to wrap my head around getting healthy again, about taking control again. And don't say that we can do all things through Christ...yes, I know that. I have spouted that. I have proclaimed that from the rooftops. But sometimes just breathing is too much.
Many of us have struggles. Many of us have shameful things we do or think and to tell us that we just need to pull ourselves together and trust God is almost an abomination. Don't you think that just opening our eyes up in the morning is the greatest act of trust that we can have at the moment? Don't you know that we beat ourselves up, not daily but by the minute for our failures, our lack? That we think, "God am I too far gone for you to get me through this?", and then feel like more of a failure for our lack of faith. My prayer is always, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
This is not a message of hopelessness. Rather this for me is a message of hope. My only hope is in Him, and even if I can't see the answer right now I know it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I do know He is faithful. My point in this message is to let you know that, as the song by We Are Messengers  says 'it's ok not to be ok'. Don't you think that the God that knew you before you were so carefully crafted in your mother's womb really knows you? Don't you know He sees your faults and your failings and that He still loves you? Oh, Lord you are my only hope and that is what I hold on to every day. Even every day that as I lay my head down to try to sleep I know that I failed again...the only thing that will not fail is His love for me.
Dear child, you are not perfect, but you are being perfected in Him. Even in this season of hopelessness and despair, this time of frustration and anger He still holds you. Even when all seems lost, you are not. And yes, I say this all to myself right now and pray that today is the day that I not only believe this, but that I can live it. But also to realize that if I do fall He will always pick me up. There is always hope...in Him.
To be continued...

To listen to the song by We Are Messengers, follow this link
https://youtu.be/hl5GcRrJLyw