Well, Jim called me last night before bedtime and we talked a bit. He then prayed for me that I would have good rest and sleep; I kind of flippantly agreed, saying my barricade was going to do a good job at that. Lights out and didn't think of it again.
I could not fall asleep. Couldn't get comfortable, couldn't turn my mind off, couldn't get over being alone in the house. After hours of tossing and turning I think I dosed off for a few moments. I couldn't tell if I was asleep or awake, but felt the Lord asking me why my barricade would work better than His answer to Jim's prayer. To be honest, I thought I got up and removed the stuff from in front of the door, just to be obedient. In fact a bit later I got up to use the restroom and looked over to see if it was all still there, and couldn't see anything. I finally slept for a little bit and when I got up, looked over and saw it was all still there.
It amazes me the lessons I still have to learn. The Lord has answered so many prayers for me. He has been so faithful over the years. He has never left me or forgotten me. How is it that I can trust Him for so much and then think He can't answer this prayer? Maybe because it seemed like such a silly thing, something that I could take care of myself. Well, that didn't work out too well for me because the bags under my eyes this morning tell me I got no rest at all.
I felt almost ashamed, like I had disappointed my heavenly Father. His desire is to bless me. His plan is for my good. He delights in showing His love for me. I know that. So why did I choose second best? Why did I hear Jim's prayer, know that God heard it, agreed with it and then turned the other way.
I guess sometimes it takes sleepless nights to hear the voice of God...at least for me. I think sometimes I forget that He cares about every aspect of my life. From the huge things down to the little things that seem so trivial. I know that He hears my every cry, even when I am too stubborn to cry out to Him; He hears my heart.
I truly believe today, that if I had gotten up and moved my barricade from in front of the door, and just trusted Him, that I would have had a night's sleep like I have not had in a long time. There is an old hymn that says, "Trust and obey, for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey". Why do we say we trust Him and then go and do our own thing. Why do we say we believe His good will for our lives and then get angry when He reveals it? Why do we give lip service to His promises and then take action on our own?
I know we are just human. And I know that He knows our frailties and loves us still. But wouldn't it be a joyous day to get through 24 hours knowing that we believed Him for everything. From getting out of bed, to getting out the door and to whatever the day holds for us. Trusting Him for our provision and sustenance. Abiding in His word and HIs will for us. A whole day. I personally think that would be a record for me. I know there have been days where I have probably come close, but oh how I want that intimate fellowship with Him always.
I remember years ago when Jim and I were separated. I was in that place with the Lord. It was not, let's seek Him daily, but it was minute by minute, maybe even second by second. I felt like I would not even be able to breath without Him. My time with Him was so precious and so strengthening. He gave me a promise, a big one, and He delivered. He delivers every time. Why do we forget that sometimes?
I so do not want to disappoint my Father. I want His approval and I want to know that I pleased Him. I want to put a smile on His face and joy in His heart.
I can look back and see times when I must have disappointed my parents horribly and never even gave it a thought. I cringe when I think of those times. I know all is now forgiven but how I wish I had not caused them pain and let them down. That is what I want with the Father, to never have to look back with regret.
I pray, yes and I am going to believe that He hears me; I pray that I will come to the place that obedience is quick and sure. That when I hear His voice, I answer immediately. That when I feel Him calling, I come. That when He quickens my heart to do something, action follows.
Obedience, that is what it all comes down to. My obedience brings Him joy and that in turn brings me joy. My obedience even when I don't see the answer. Even when I seem to be walking in the dark. Even when the answer may not be the solution I think "I" want. Obedience is my choice and that is what I choose.
So Lord, help me to trust you. Help me to be attentive to Your voice. Dutiful to answer Your call. Faithful to rely on Your will.
Help me to tear down the barricades and just believe.