For most people, this past year and a half has been spent dealing with Covid. I feel like I barely have a memory of that. What I was dealing with was the fact that my husband Jim was diagnosed with ALS on February 17th, 2020. Our lives changed irrevocably that day.
It still seems surreal; his illness, his death. Jim died on May 17th of this year. But his memory and his legacy has not, and will not die.
We had a beautiful life together. We had weathered the storm of a broken marriage and reunited in God, stronger and more in love than we had ever been. Our mission, our ministry was to share what God had done in our lives. The Lord had spoken to me that as long as we shared the miracle that we had in our marriage, that miracle would never end. It would be shared with others and they in turn would be part of that miracle. We had a strong faith in God. He had done such great things in our lives. Yes we went through hardships, but they were part of the tapestry that God was weaving. The light and the dark; the brutal and the beautiful.
I look back at the day that Jim was diagnosed and I remember barely crying. We just looked at each other and said the Lord would get us through it. He would be our strength. And all the while we believed that He could heal Jim. We believed that He would heal Jim. And Jim's ALS kept progressing. His was a more aggressive form of ALS. It started with his swallowing and speech. My husband who loved to eat spicy meals soon lost his ability to eat anything but the most bland and soft foods. My husband who once sang and preached soon lost his ability to speak clearly. After that he lost his ability to walk on his own. His ability to hold even a cup to drink from. Then he had to have a feeding tube placed in his stomach. All this time we still believed for his healing. Even as we grieved the loss of each function, we still believed.
I don't think I really cried since his death. Yes, tears now and then, but I have felt like I couldn't even fathom the loss, so tears did not come.
And then today I watched the movie I Still Believe, about the life of Christian music artist Jeremy Camp. I don't even know why I turned it on, I was just scrolling and thought it would be interesting. Little did I know that it would open the floodgates of my tears. Here is the story of a young man who falls in love, only to find out that his fiancee has cancer. All the while her faith is so strong, so inspirational. Melissa tells Jeremy that if because of her cancer, one life is changed, that it would all be worth it. Jim said that to me shortly after his diagnosis. Our family was not as close as we once were, our children were not walking in the way of the Lord. Jim said if his illness would bring our children back to us, back together, back to the Lord; if they would see who God really was, that it would be worth all the pain, all the suffering.
As our children watched Jim lose so much, they always saw him stay positive, they saw him still believe. As he became more feeble in body, he became stronger in spirit. He never blamed God. He never became angry. Yes, I know he grieved the losses that he was dealing with, but what he lost just caused what he retained to shine that much more brightly. His love for his family, his love of God never wavered.
There is a quote in the movie where Melissa talks about being just one star out of a billion. Jeremy says that some stars shine so much brighter than others. That is how Jim was. He was such a huge presence wherever he went. When we had our businesses, people came just to talk to him. When he ministered, whether by preaching, teaching or worshiping with his guitar, he was larger than life. He was that bright and shining star. As Melissa is dying she tells Jeremy to remember when he said her star shone so bright. She says that the stars that shine the brightest are the ones that have the shortest life and then explode into a beautiful thing, a supernova. That was Jim's hope for his life. That even though it was cut short, it would not disappear. But that it would shine brightly and light the way to Jesus.
Jim spent most of his adult life in such an intimate relationship with the Lord. It was obvious in his actions and in his words. His greatest desire would be for those that he left behind to not mourn him forever, but to move forward into their walk with the Lord and to have the same deep relationship that he had with God.
I had someone ask me not long ago "How could God let this happen? What was the reason?" I don't have an answer to those questions. I am asking those myself. The title of this post is Brutal and Beautiful. That is what this past year and a half has been. It has been brutal seeing the love of my life stricken with one of the most horrendous diseases known to mankind. To see him lose his voice. To lose his strength. To lose his livelihood. He could no longer hold a tool in his hand, very quickly he could not button his own shirt. He could not put on his own shoes. He wept as he saw what he was losing, but he still rejoiced in his faith in God. It was brutal telling this man who built amazing cars, who had raced those cars that he could no longer drive. It was brutal getting him to use a walker, and then to use a wheelchair, and then a powerchair, finally being bed ridden. It was brutal being unable to understand much of what he tried to say. It was brutal watching my children see their father waste away. To see my grandchildren look at their papa, not understanding why he could no longer play with them, talk to them. There was so much that was brutal.
But in the midst of that brutality, there was beauty. Another quote from the movie is Melissa writing in her journal, that "suffering doesn't destroy faith, it refines it." That is true. The suffering that Jim went through refined him; like gold being refined in the fire. It distilled everything down to that one pure thing; God. God had formed Jim in his mother's womb. He had brought Jim through death at the age of two when asthma took the very breath from him and he died; blue and cold and stiff. God brought him through our broken marriage, seemingly irreparable and made something truly exquisite where there was only wreckage. God brought him into ministry; he touched so many lives; not only by his words, but through his actions and his love. God brought him through all of that and He brought him through ALS too. I said that Jim died on May 17th; Jim won his battle with ALS on that date. It was truly remarkable watching as he passed from this life into his Father's arms. I was holding one hand, my daughter Amber was holding his other, my stepdaughter April was standing right alongside. I told Amber to let go of his hand. As we let go, his hands raised of their own accord and he was instantly in his Saviour's arms. How glorious that moment was. But that ugly demon ALS still tried to show it's dominance; Jim's muscles continued to twitch, that thing that he had dealt with the whole of his illness. His muscles twitched for 20 minutes after Jim was already in heaven, dancing and singing and rejoicing with his Lord. See devil, you lose every time.
My tears are still flowing as I write this. I think the saddest thing is that my biggest fan, my proofreader will not get to read this. He always read what I wrote and prodded me on to greater things. Always encouraging me to use the gift that God had given me. At the end of the movie Jeremy finds a letter from Melissa telling him to pick up his guitar again when he is ready, to share the gift that God has given him. I feel Jim telling me that, to pick up again what I had laid down, and to continue his legacy by sharing all that the Lord has done.
As Melissa wrote in her journal, "God grants healing, miracles do happen; yet to another the call is to suffer and even die. I realized that both have value, because each is a chapter in a bigger story. Each is the stroke of a brush on this beautiful canvas; each is the light of one star helping to form a galaxy. I think I'm one of those lucky people meant to experience both."
While I may not understand why Jim went through all that he did and was not healed, I am not going to question God. And while I may not know what His plan is for the rest of my life, I am going to remember Jim and strive to honor his life, his faith. I can only hope that some day my light will shine as brightly as his did.

Yesterday in my bible reading I was in Isaiah. I finished with chapter 40. What a beautiful picture of who God is. Our Creator, our Father. It harkens back to Job when God says where were you when I set the foundations of the earth? But in all of that, no matter how great He is, how wonderful His creation, He loves US. He formed us for His good pleasure and He takes such delight in us.
So, with it being a rainy day, I put on my lazy pants and turned on a movie. Going along with the chapter 40 reference I decided to watch 'Contact' again. The deep space movie with Jodie Foster. I have written a previous post about this movie and will put a link at the bottom if you would like to read that post.
Anyway, I wanted to see if my reaction to the movie would be as strong as the last time I actually watched it, which was over 20 years ago. I watched that movie late at night and remember going into the bathroom and covering my face with a towel as I wept so hard I thought I would be sick. I wept at the grace shown to me by God. I wept at the love that I had from a Father who cherished me. I wept because in the eyes of the world I was so small and insignificant, but in His eyes I was His beloved daughter. I wept because although my earthly father may have failed me, my heavenly Father never could, never would.
To me that is the premise of this movie. Take away all the secular things going on, boil it all down and I see the love of the Father for His creation.
We see Jodie Foster as Ellie. She loses her dad at a young age and forever after is searching for something more. Always listening into the outer reaches of the skies for 'something', or Someone. Sitting in the desert, alone with an array of antennae that constantly search the sky. Those antennae turning to and fro, seeking for some sign, anything to prove that she is not alone. Ellie has chosen science over everything else, even over relationship with other people. She wants what can be proven.
Finally after years of searching she hears a sound, a message. And following the message a machine is built, to take her where she does not know, but she is determined to go there. What will she find? She doesn't know, but she is sure it is not God. Her statement is, " So what's more likely? That an all-powerful, mysterious God created the Universe, and decided not to give any proof of his existence? Or, that He simply doesn't exist at all, and that we created Him, so that we wouldn't have to feel so small and alone?"
She wants something that can be explained, that can be quantified. And she is determined to find it, even to the extent of losing her life in the process.
So the machine is built. She is sent off, who knows where. Or should I say God knows where. She appears to travel through wormholes and outer space to end up on a deserted beach. A beach that resembles a picture that she drew for her father before he died. She sees a figure walking towards her. It looks like her dad. Of course in the movie it is an alien who comes in a form that seems safe for her. He tells her, "You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, each other."
That to me is the message. We all feel so lost and alone. I remember so many times as a child feeling like no one loved me. Feeling as though I had no one to turn to. With parents who were alcoholics, lost in their own sad place. I drifted through life seeking to fill that hole with anything I could find. Alcohol, drugs, fleeting relationships. Nothing could fill that empty space in me. That black hole of despair and alienation. Fear and dejection my constant companions. But one day I met the One who would take all of that away. As Palmer Joss in the movie states, "So I was lying there, just looking at the sky... and then I felt something. I don't know I... all I know is that I wasn't alone, and for the first time in my life... I wasn't scared of nothin'... I mean, not even dying. It was God!" I felt for the first time in my life like I mattered. I was loved. I was created for a purpose. I was not a mistake, my life was not meaningless. I may have been like a grain of sand on the beach, but I was His grain of sand, formed and hand polished by the great Creator!
But how do you explain that to those who don't know Him. How do you clarify that to those who don't want to hear? It is something that science cannot quantify. It is a life changing moment. It is a life altering, super nova explosion that forever reshapes and alters your life. It is the moment that darkness becomes light and that you hear the sound that your soul's antenna has been seeking for. It is hearing Him say, "Child, you are mine". It is a gut-wrenching, heart-twisting, mind-blowing moment. When you realize you are not alone. You have never been alone. You just have not to that juncture seen, you have not heard. Now your eyes are open, now your ears apprehend. The love of a Father so great, so good.
You experience what you have been searching for your whole life. The cancellation of the endless emptiness. The cessation of the darkness, the suspension of the silence, the respite from the fear and loneliness. You experience Him.
At the end of the movie Ellie appears before a panel to determine what happened during the mission. There appeared to be a failure, the machine did not seem to go anywhere. Only a moment passed before the machine fell through the bottom and it all appeared to be over. She is told she has no evidence, no proof that what she experienced happened. Nothing scientific to prove her experience. She is told to concede that she has no evidence this journey took place. You can see she is torn. She is in tears as she says, " I... had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision... of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish... I... could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish."
Oh friend, how it is my wish that you could experience the joy, the awe, the knowledge that our Father loves you so. That you are not inconsequential. That you are not worthless. That you are not a mistake or a bother or an aberration. You are rare. You are precious. You are a child of God. The only thing you have to do is to turn your eyes towards Him. Listen to His voice calling your name. And then run to Him and let His love enfold you. He is here. He is near. He is not out in the deep dark reaches of space, He is right here ready to receive you, ready to accept you into His arms. Just reach out.

All movie quotes from imbd.com
Link to previous post on Contact, https://www.justmeredeemed.com/blog/we-have-contact

This last week I was getting ready to go to a memorial service for a dear friend's mom. I had also lost my uncle the week before, and the day before the memorial service my husband Jim was given the diagnosis of ALS. So here I am getting ready for the service and all I hear in my mind is 'death sentence'.
Huh...and then I hear, 'being born, beginning life is a death sentence'. I don't mean that in a maudlin sense, it just is what it is. The moment we enter this world, the instant we take our first breath we begin to die. As advanced as our knowledge is, as progressive as our health care is becoming, nothing is ever going to change the fact that one day we will all die. I am not a fatalist, that is a proven fact.
What we do between our birth and death though, that is what matters. I read once that it is the 'dash' on the gravestone that tells the story. Date of birth - date of death. And what a story we can tell, what a legacy we can leave behind.
As Jim and I sat in that memorial service on Tuesday I heard all of these wonderful people tell the story of Martha Blocker. The life she led, the joy she spread, the gift she left behind. The gift of love and laughter and most importantly of faith. Every person that shared about Martha shared about her great faith in God. About how that faith affected them when she was alive and continues to affect them to this day. She was a light in the darkness, a testimony of God's love and faithfulness. Her grandson JD shared eloquently about her love for the Lord. Her great grandson Trenton shared of her encouragement and inspiration in his life. Her son Doug shared of her great love for him and how she was his greatest cheerleader. And her daughter-in-law Ruthie shared of Martha's affect on her before she even married into the family. As Martha's great granddaughter read in Proverbs 31, what a woman of God she was.
My hope as I go through this life is to have that affect. I know I am not a real people person. I know I tend to withdraw into myself. I know I hide a lot, but I pray that the people I love know just that, that I love them. That I will care for them until the day I die. And I pray that I leave a legacy like Martha did.
And what I pray more than anything is that others will know of my love for the Lord. I have always tried to share my faith, even to those who have no interest. I have tried to share of His grace and mercy in my life. How He brought me out of such great darkness into His marvelous light. How He has carried me through so much to bring me into His salvation and love. And how He has brought healing not only to my body, but to my mind, my emotions. How He healed my marriage and restored such a great love to me for my husband.
I look at my husband Jim and see what hurdles he will have to overcome. But overcome them he will. He has always been a strong man. A man who has taken care of his family, friends and even those who have wronged him. He has given of himself to others in every way. Financially, emotionally, physically. And as I go through this with him now, I know that he will continue to give all that he is able, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of a sense of sharing the Father's love. Every moment of every day since Jim gave his life to the Lord he has been building a legacy for others to look to. Again, not a legacy that shines a spotlight on him, but a legacy that shows how great a God he serves.
We pray for healing for Jim. We trust and know that He can heal if He chooses, but more than anything we pray for His grace to go through this all with the knowledge that He walks with us. He holds us, He comforts us, He strengthens us, and that is the greatest miracle of all. The miracle that He gave His all for us, that we might enter into His love and into His family.
This is not a death sentence as you would suppose. This is just the beginning because we serve such a great and mighty God. This is only the start of the legacy, the inheritance that will be left to our family long after we are gone. And even then we are not really gone, we are in a greater place. In His presence. Oh what a glorious day that will be!



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"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19
We say Happy New Year every January 1st. That's a nice thought, but so often untrue and a letdown, even after just a few days. We make resolutions we attempt to keep, but they rarely last past the end of the month.
How about this year we seek to honor God with our lives. How about we aim to hear His voice every day, to walk in His will with His help and to love as He does.
I don't know about you but I know happiness is fleeting. We get thrown curve balls all the time. Some as ordinary as someone riding your bumper as your driving, not finding your favorite product at the store. Others more serious; financial troubles, health problems that seem so big and scary.
One thing I do know...the joy of the Lord is not fleeting. It is not fickle. It doesn't run and hide when things get rough. It is a quiet affirmation of God's love and delight for you that stays tucked away in your heart as long as you trust Him.
So, this year I say to you- I say to me, not happy new year, but a joyful new year. Joy comes from knowing the Lord. Joy comes from trusting the Lord. Joy comes from having His peace tucked into your heart regardless of circumstances, regardless of your bank account balance, regardless of what the doctor's report says. Joy is in Him and His joy is your strength.
So, joyful new year my friends! Let His joy be reflected in your life today and every day.
(Picture taken in Telluride, CO)

Last week I wrote about the shame I feel in dealing with my weight issues. I know there are many of us, especially us women who deal with shame on a daily basis. We hate how we look, we feel we are not good enough, we are not smart enough. We feel we don't do enough, we feel angry when we have to do everything and then feel ashamed for that anger. Shame piles up on us like someone has taken a dustpan full of ashes and poured them over our head. I never watched the movie 'Carrie', but I have seen that one horrible picture of when the spiteful students pour a bucket of pig's blood all over her. That is what shame feels like.
Shame is this thick, sticky thing that when we let it set just coagulates around everything. It becomes this gelatinous mass that seems impossible to remove and we feel that the stain will last forever. Shame, though an inner emotion makes it feel as if everyone can see every wrong thing you've done, every mistake you've made, every error in judgment. Makes me think of another visual of public shame and humiliation, that old practice of being tarred and feathered. The use of pine tar and feathers to publicly humiliate a person is purportedly said to have first been used by King Richard the Lionheart all the way back in 1189. While generally not physically lethal, the emotional and psychological effects could be devastating. That is how shame feels.
But where does shame really come from? What causes us to feel that we are less than, worthless, never enough? Truly, from my own experience it comes from my not believing who I am in the Lord. I know that is the truth, but I still often struggle with it. As I said last week, I know better but I still battle with it.
As I think on this, I think of the scripture in Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus". Yes, we say. That's it. That is all we have to remember, there is now no condemnation for us now that we believe in Jesus. There is no longer any accusation, any blame, any reproof. No shame. But we still live in it...why? We need to read the rest of that scripture, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." When we walk in shame, we are walking in the flesh. When we remember to walk in the Spirit, when we remember who we are in Christ through His sacrifice, we don't allow ourselves to dwell on the things of the flesh, namely shame.
If you look at shame purely though a psychological lense it says this, "As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards." But truly, shame is something that separates us from God. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves, not on who Christ is in us. It causes us to default back to the way we were before belief in Jesus; we rate ourselves on our own merits, we judge ourselves on our own scale. And that scale is always tipped, and not in our favor.
As we continue to read in Romans 8:5,6 " For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." I don't know about you, but when I am in that cycle of shame, I feel depressed, I feel weighted down, I feel dark. It feels like death. That is what that verse says, to be in the carnal mind is to be in death. The feelings of despair, of hopelessness, of despondency are as thick as that pine tar. What was internal is now visible externally. Through our behavior, through our actions, or lack of action. For me through my poor choices in eating. Feeding my shame with sugar and junk and pardon my language, with crap. It's a compulsion and I, myself am at a loss to stop it.
But alas, I am not by myself. I have Another who loves me. I have One who wants me to live and to live abundantly. Abundantly in the Spirit. Remember, to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. As my friend Ken teaches, we have to make right choices. Every day to choose to live for Christ, to live after His ways, to choose His will. And oh, some days that is so hard. When the shame and frustration and weight of the world seem to be more than I can bear...but wait, He said He took all of that for us. On that cross, that public tool of humiliation and shame...He took our sins, He took our burdens, He took our shame.
Again, this is a journey for me, as it is for many of you. Day by day to wake up and say, this is the day that the Lord has made. This is the day to be glad in Him. To forsake shame and to rise up as His child. To realize in ourselves we lack, but there is no lack in Him. That in ourselves we fail, but He will never fail us. That in the midst of our despair there is joy everlasting in Him. That is what faith is all about. We need to get rid of our own stinkin' thinkin' and really trust that all He says is true. The tar and feathers that have been used to bring shame can be shaken off and we can gather those feathers up and make a bed to rest in Him as we walk by His power and in His Spirit. I don't know about you, but I certainly can use some rest.

All scripture is from the King James Bible
Information on tar and feathering from https://www.ranker.com/list/history-of-tarring-and-feathering/rachel-souerbry
Quote on shame from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

Where do I begin? I somehow maintained writing last year when I was ill and had to go through two surgical procedures. I worked, cared for grandbabies. I just kept going and tried to stay positive and keep my trust in the Lord. Then in the fall there were so many changes that I felt like a boxer who had been punched so many times that I was punch drunk. I felt as though I were staggering through life and couldn't get my balance back. What little equilibrium I had was lost when there was a horrible rift in my family. The church that we felt at home in closed unexpectedly. Then our business was sold and all of the identity I had in that was suddenly gone. I was lying on the mat and the eight count was done. I felt like I couldn't even get up.
I never lost my trust in the Lord but it felt like He was a million miles away. I know He never moved, that it was my own dull hearing and lack of vision that made me lose sight of Him, but the distance felt overwhelming. I felt as though I fell into a depression, a sadness and feeling of loss that I could not get through. I knew I still had to 'do' life; people have to eat, clothes have to be washed, bills need to be paid but all I felt was despair. I guess I could have just gone to bed and never gotten out of it. There were days that I certainly wanted to. There were lots of days where it was just getting the bare minimum done and watching Hallmark movies all day. Right, like that's going to make me feel better; they all got their happy endings.
To my shame the way I dealt with that depression and feelings of loss was to eat. That is what I have always fallen back on. I look back and see the patterns, see the way I just default to that response. Sugar, whatever I can fill my mouth with to make me feel better for the moment. And the thing about dealing with depression this way is that everyone can see it. I feel ashamed of myself. I now more than ever don't even want to leave the house because I am so embarrassed by the weight I have put on. I have a beautiful car I could be driving but I am humiliated to even get into it. It feels like with every pound that went on that the 'Loser' sign on my forehead just got larger. So it becomes a vicious circle; stay inside and eat, feel ashamed and don't want to get out, so I eat. Feel as though any self-control I have is gone, eat.
My best friend always says that people don't really know me. That they see me a certain way, all put together and on top of the world basically. You know what, all of us wear masks. We all hide things, we all have pain that needs to be dealt with. I am a woman who has gone through hell, been received into the heavenly realm by my Father and I still struggle. When you think of people losing control you think of drugs or alcohol or drastic dangerous behavior. I've done all of that. Now this is my nemesis. This is my shame. And honestly at the moment I don't see a way out of it. There have been so many times I just pulled myself up by my boot straps and kept going, but I am tired and I am weary and I just don't have it in me. I can't even seem to wrap my head around getting healthy again, about taking control again. And don't say that we can do all things through Christ...yes, I know that. I have spouted that. I have proclaimed that from the rooftops. But sometimes just breathing is too much.
Many of us have struggles. Many of us have shameful things we do or think and to tell us that we just need to pull ourselves together and trust God is almost an abomination. Don't you think that just opening our eyes up in the morning is the greatest act of trust that we can have at the moment? Don't you know that we beat ourselves up, not daily but by the minute for our failures, our lack? That we think, "God am I too far gone for you to get me through this?", and then feel like more of a failure for our lack of faith. My prayer is always, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
This is not a message of hopelessness. Rather this for me is a message of hope. My only hope is in Him, and even if I can't see the answer right now I know it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I do know He is faithful. My point in this message is to let you know that, as the song by We Are Messengers  says 'it's ok not to be ok'. Don't you think that the God that knew you before you were so carefully crafted in your mother's womb really knows you? Don't you know He sees your faults and your failings and that He still loves you? Oh, Lord you are my only hope and that is what I hold on to every day. Even every day that as I lay my head down to try to sleep I know that I failed again...the only thing that will not fail is His love for me.
Dear child, you are not perfect, but you are being perfected in Him. Even in this season of hopelessness and despair, this time of frustration and anger He still holds you. Even when all seems lost, you are not. And yes, I say this all to myself right now and pray that today is the day that I not only believe this, but that I can live it. But also to realize that if I do fall He will always pick me up. There is always hope...in Him.
To be continued...

To listen to the song by We Are Messengers, follow this link
https://youtu.be/hl5GcRrJLyw

It's Christmas Eve and it has been some time since I have posted anything. This has been a rough year with lots of illness, too much change and just a lot of emotional processing going on. I don't know that I wanted to write from out of that place these past couple of months. So Christmas is tomorrow. The time when pretty much the whole world celebrates. Some truly celebrate what the day is about; the blessed birth of our Saviour. Many others celebrate presents and food and spending too much money. I wanted to end this year on a high note. I wanted to talk about the present given to us, that gift of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Cory Asbury sings a song called 'Reckless Love'. Many have been offended by it saying that God is not reckless, that the song misrepresents Him. When I think of the love of Christ, that love that gave all for me I don't see the contradiction in the word. I'm not sure what Webster's says reckless is but in my mind reckless means without any thought to self-preservation. And that is exactly how God was thinking when He sent His Son to be born and then to die. Philippians 2:5-8 says this, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Jesus had no thought of self-preservation when He came down from heaven to be born as a baby. This child, born in human flesh felt the cold, felt hunger, felt all that we feel.
Another song I love at Christmas is 'Mary did you know?' Yes, she knew what the angel of the Lord had spoken, but did she really know? Did she know that this beautiful baby boy would one day die for her sins along with all of ours? Did she know that He would bear the crushing weight of every sin from the beginning of time until time passes away? Did she know that she would watch as He suffered on that cross, as His flesh was torn, as those nails were hammered in? I cannot even imagine the agony she felt as she witnessed her beloved son bruised, broken and battered. She may not have known the full extent of what would happen, but Jesus did. He knew! And He still went through with it. All for the love of His Father and for the love of us.
That is reckless love. Giving all when He could expect nothing in return. All in the hopes that we would accept His sacrifice and receive salvation. If I were a gambling man I don't think I would take that bet. In the minds of the disciples, in the minds of His friends and family what were they thinking when Jesus was taken off that cross? Dead is dead. Sure He may have raised a few from the dead, but this is different. Jesus is dead, who is going to raise Him? Sounds not only reckless but irresponsible. I have been reading a book by Simon Tugwell, The Beatitudes: Soundings in Christian Tradition. It goes into depth on the Beatitudes and really brings to light what Jesus was teaching. On the chapter about "blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy' it speaks of the mercy that God showed to us all, in our sin. It shows how we as Christ-followers are to show the same mercy to others, regardless of who we are. It speaks of almsgiving, giving to those in need. "The reason why almsgiving is a remedy for sin is that it is a way of restoring likeness to God. And it is like God because it is reckless. The rule that our Lord gives is absolutely clear and unambiguous; 'Give to everyone who asks' (Luke 6:30)...When our Lord tells us to be merciful as our heavenly Father is merciful, he prefaces this command with the declaration that God gives to the good and bad alike with no distinctions (Luke 6:35). He is, if you like, irresponsible in his giving. He does not wait to see whether we are going to make good use of his gifts before he gives them; his grace is not given strictly in accordance with how he foresees we shall profit by it. He rains upon the just and the unjust in equal measure, regardless of whether or not the unjust hath the just's umbrella. God gives abundantly to all and sundry, without stint, without calculation...It is in this spirit also that God forgives. Forgiveness is only a special instance of the way in which God manages all his giving. He does not say, 'Well, all right; you're a good chap underneath, I'll give you one more chance.' When St. Peter wanted to make sure he had got the arithmetic of forgiveness right, he was answered only with a sum he probably did not know how to do. Forgiveness is reckless. It squanders itself upon rogues who have no intention of improving themselves. All it asks for is that it be received. The only unforgivable sin in the sin against forgiveness; the sin which directly and immediately refuses forgiveness."
While I know that God has plans for us, that He thought through the beginning from the end, I am so grateful that He took no thought of laying it all down for us. He lay down His royalty. He lay down His power. He lay down His immortality and took up our flesh. Why did He do that? He did that for the one in a million chance that you would say yes. No offense, but it was a cosmic crap shoot, the dice flying and the odds were always in our favor. We win! We always win.
Reckless love. Irresponsible giving. Just another name for grace. I pray that in the hustle and bustle of tonight and tomorrow that you remember that grace. That you remember that the little baby born in a manger did not stay there. He became a man who became our substitute on the cross. He gave all that you might have all. And in remembering that, remember that it was all because of His love for us. His love was shown in His grace. Let us love others like Christ loved us. Let us show others grace like He showed us. Let us be reckless like our Father and give without stint or calculation. Let us be like Christ, we may be the only ones reckless enough to do so.

To listen to the song Reckless love follow this link, https://youtu.be/6xx0d3R2LoU
Tugwell, Simon. The Beatitudes; Soundings in Christian Tradition, Templegate, 1980. pp 91,92

I haven't written for awhile.  I am not sure what is going on...I'm a bit lost right now.  So much has gone on this year and I am trying to reevaluate things.  And while things seem topsy turvy, He is still in control.  I know that, but sometimes I don't 'know' that. 
I wrote this poem as a creative writing assignment.  We had to take something and inter cut into it to change it.  I chose Psalm 93.  The first paragraph is the original Psalm, what follows is my poem.
God bless you greatly today.  Rest in Him.

"The Lord reigns; he is robed in majesty;
the Lord is robed; he has put on strength as his belt.
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
Your throne is established from of old;
you are from everlasting.
The floods have lifted up, O Lord,
the floods have lifted up their voice;
the floods lift up their roaring.
Mightier than the thunders of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea,
the Lord on high is mighty!
 Your decrees are very trustworthy;
holiness befits your house,
O Lord, forevermore."
 
 
 
 
The Lord reigns on high; Great and mighty is He
Our faithful protector, our strong defender
His glory, His honor, His majesty we joyfully decree.
 
The Lord is robed in splendor; He has put on strength as His belt.
He never slumbers nor grows weary, always near
His presence like a blanket, warm and comforting, it is felt.
 
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
No matter the trial, the temptation, the storm
His steadfastness, His love has more than been proved.
 
Your throne is established from of old; You are from everlasting.
You are and were and always will be, almighty and infinite
Your promise You have kept, never leaving nor forsaking.
 
 
 
The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the waters have raised their voice;
The sound of the waves resounding, the sound of the floods crashing.
This show of your power and might leads me to rejoice.
 
Mightier than the thunders of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!
We exult in being Your chosen sons and daughters.
 
Your decrees are trustworthy; holiness befits Your house,
O Lord, You are with us always and forever
Your will, Your way, Your truth we will continue to espouse.
 
Lord You reign in heaven and You rule in my heart,
My soul doth rejoice, my heart filled with wonder
Oh Lord My God, how great Thou art!
 

So I just spent the last half hour going through all my past posts.  Looking to see if I had written anything based on the movie "The Last Samurai".  I was really surprised to find nothing.  Most women's favorite movies are rom-coms or light period pieces, but personally my favorite movies by far are a bit more gruesome.  I don't mean horror movies or thrillers.  I mean Braveheart, Last of the Mohicans, The Patriot and of course The Last Samurai.  Movies about war and battle, honor and integrity.  Movies where men are men and they fight for the people they love and the values they believe in.  Movies where broken people learn what is truly important and learn what they are made of.  Where brokenness can be changed forever by honor and sacrifice.
Such a movie is The Last Samurai.  Captain Algren, a 'war hero' is now a drunk, a shill for the rifle company who pays him to share his exploits killing Indians.  He is tired, disillusioned and angry.  He agrees to go to Japan to help train the emperor's army to put down a rebellion.  He says for 500 dollars a month he will kill whoever he has to.  He goes there prepared to make some quick money and get out.  Instead the Colonel demands that the poorly trained army head out immediately to quell the rebel fighters.  They are so ill prepared that most of them are killed, the others run away.  Captain Algren fights until he cannot stand any longer.  The leader of the rebels, Katsumoto is compelled to spare his life.  He is taken to the village where the Samurai live and train. 
After Algren recovers from his injuries he lives among the villagers.  He cannot leave until spring, so he begins to observe his captors.  He is drawn to their way of life, to their commitment and dedication to the way of the Samurai.  "They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seen such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, 'to serve'."  I was struck by the meaning of the word 'samurai'.  You assume that they are just warriors, men of the sword, militants led by a warlord.  Instead they lived by a code of service to their lord.  Some of the first written documents available from Japanese history are poems written by warriors about service as border guards:
"From today
Without regard for myself
I set out
A shield strong but humble
For our Sovereign Lord." (1)
That is to be our lives as servants of our God.  We are to be Samurai in the service of our Lord.  I think most of us just live as Thoreau wrote in Walden, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation".  What a sad commentary that is.  There is a time for quiet contemplation and there is a time for getting out there and making some noise.  How often do we wake up, start the day already worn out and just hope for a somewhat peaceful day to pass quickly so we can get back into bed again.  Forget about seeking perfection in what we do, let's just get this day over with.  We serve a most noble Lord.  We serve the great Creator and Redeemer.  How does that reflect on Him if we while away the hours just getting by?  How does His excellence and majesty get portrayed when we can barely muster the energy to get through the drive thru lane at the local coffee shop?  Discipline, we hardly have enough self-control to get through the commute to work without expressing our displeasure with our fellow drivers.  Oh, how I want to live a life that is devoted to the perfection of being a child of God.  I want to emulate my Lord.  I want to stand up for the things He stands up for and to put behind me the things that displease Him. 
We are so busy with all that is temporal.  Sleep, and work.  Household duties and children.  Taxes and too little pay.  Yard work and recreation.  Too much to distract us from what is truly important.  Most of it things we need to think about; loving our spouses, teaching our children.  But so much that is not imperative.  What restaurant to eat at, what kind of lawn mower to buy, where can I find those shoes I really want.  As Algren learned when he was defeated in sparring practice, "too many mind".  He asks what is that?  "Mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind enemy - -too many mind. "  His instructor says, "no mind".  Meaning let everything else fall aside.  Keep your mind on the thing that is most important.  Focus on the essential, let everything else fade away.  Like that beautiful old hymn, 'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of Your glory and grace'.  Seek Him first.  His will, His way and then your focus will become laser clear.
When we are still, when we stop and let things become clear we can feel His presence.  Again Algren comes to understand this in the quiet of that lovely village.  "There is so much here I will never understand. I've never been a church going man, and what I've seen on the field of battle has led me to question God's purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power."  The thing that he did not understand though was that when we seek God, we will find Him.  He will never stay hidden from us when what we desire most is Him.  Yes we will be aware of His power, but more than that, we will bask in His presence and we will know His purpose for our lives.
It amazes me what I can get out of a movie when I see it through the eyes of the Spirit.  There was so much here that spoke of the Father's love for us.   One such scene was when Katsumoto is being held prisoner and Algren, Katsumoto's son and some men from the village come to rescue him.  In the ensuing fight, the son is shot.  He knows he is going to die, but he wants that death to mean something.  He tells his father to leave him there, that it is his time.  He wants his life to have purpose even in his death.  He will use his last bit of strength to die at the enemy's hands so that his friends and family may escape that same death.  Katsumoto props him up against a tree, looks at his son with tears in his eyes and then turns his back and lets his son die for his people.  If that is not a picture of the Father's love for us and the sacrifice He made by allowing His Son to die on that tree for us, then I don't know what is. 
At the end of the movie, when Katsumoto knows that all that is left for him and his people is death, he says to Algren, "For nine hundred years, my ancestors have protected our people. Now... I have failed them."  Algren replies, " So you will take your own life? In shame? Shame for a life of service? Discipline? Compassion? "  To that Katsumoto answers, "The way of the Samurai is not necessary anymore."  "Necessary? What could be more necessary?"  We are told in our modern culture that it is every man for himself.  That it is a dog eat dog world.  Take care of number one.  All of that goes against what is meant by a life of service.  Remember that Japanese poem above, 'From today, without regard for myself...'  That is what the life of a spiritual Samurai is supposed to be about.   Service, discipline, compassion.  Having the heart of God for our neighbor, and yes, for our enemy.  Living with no regard for ourselves, esteeming others higher than ourselves.  That is an oxymoron to most people in the world today.  But to those of us who have committed our lives to serving our Lord it is a call to action.
A life of service is not an easy one.  There is hard work, there is commitment to duty and honor.  There are rough times and there are times of ease.  There are times of sorrow and times of joy.  People today think life is wasted if money is not made.  If success is not seen in the eyes of others.  We pursue fleeting things, rather than eternal things.  We seek highs, forgetting that the lows have their value also.  Katsumoto tells Algren, "The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."  He was implying that it would be almost impossible to find that perfect moment, that perfect blossom.  It wouldn't be wasted time, but you may never find one.  As he lay dying on the battlefield, he sees cherry blossoms floating in the air among the smoke.  He says with his last breath, "Perfect... They are all... perfect..."  Here I go crying again as I write.  Every moment that God gives us is perfect.  Every one.  The painful, the beautiful.  The loss and the achievements.  Every moment can be exquisite if we will look at it through the eyes of our Father and let Him work out His will in us...becoming perfect as He is perfect.

(1) Origin of the Samurai, https://judoinfo.com/samurai/
Movie quotes from imdb.com