Grief is such a strange thing. It has been over a year since Jim passed; some days I coast through, just getting by. Other days the memories hit me so hard I just want to curl up into a little ball. And other days like today I just think of all I had and I am so very grateful.
So I've had the last 5 days to do whatever I wanted. I pretty much did nothing. That seems to be par for the course lately. I watched tv, found a new series I liked and watched too many movies. One movie had  some music in it that so reminded me of Jim. We loved listening to music together. 80's music...the best! We had our favorites those days; Journey, Boston, Foreigner. Today as I watered I thought I would put on some of that music that I have just not been able to listen to. It has been hard to hear those songs that meant so much to us both. But today, I thought, just go with it. So I played 80's rock ballads. And of course cried like a baby. The song that pushed me to write this is Foreigner's "I want to know what love is". This song came out in 1984, a year after I married Jim. And looking back, it was the most appropriate song for me; a broken, used up young woman who was just looking for someone to love her.
I've shared my past here on my blog before. I was raised by alcoholic parents. I am sure that my parents told me that they loved me when I was younger, but I truly cannot remember hearing it. I am not vilifying them, just stating what my life was. They were both broken people also. My mom, so unsure of herself as a wife and as a mother. I have a couple of letters that she wrote to my father when she was pregnant with me. She felt like she had no clue as to how to live the life of a wife and mom and be successful at it. That is not surprising as she was raised by a mom married multiple times. Who was off and gone a lot of my mom's growing up years. I never heard the whole story from my mom, I think it was just too hard for her to tell. But I do know that she came into adulthood hurting and in a very fragile place. And that fragility showed itself in her drinking and taking pills. Often leaving me home alone when I was younger than 10, I would wake up and the front door would be open and I was home all alone.
My father, oh how I idolized him. He was my hero. My dad the homicide detective, the former tail gunner on a B17. My dad, the man who saw too much and did not know where to put it all. So he buried it under gallons of alcohol.
Most days I came home from school never knowing what awaited me. Most of the time I remember listening to records, the music carrying me away from my loneliness, my fear and despair.
For so many years I lived that song...wanting to know what love was. I became the thing I hated; I drank, I did drugs, I gave myself away in a desperate attempt to find love. One night stands do not a love story make. I just felt that I was not worth anything more, anything better. I allowed myself to be used and abused and felt that was all I was ever going to have in my life.
It is funny, how when we give up our ideas, our crazy schemes for how our lives should be, that right around the corner, the Lord has something incredible waiting.
Late summer 1982. Working as a midnight shift cab driver...I know, right? Can you even picture that? I was working right next door to a Hobo Joe's in Lake Havasu. Getting off at about 6 am I would go next door for a cup of coffee and wait for my ride home. I was not interested in any more relationships, if that was what you could even call them. I just wanted to work, sleep, get up and work again. Then one day, drinking my coffee there at Hobo Joe's, the assistant manager comes over to me and hands me a postcard. It was a big gorilla, and it was captioned, "you want to fool around?" I was told it was the cook who had sent it. So long story short, I meet this tall, skinny cook with a short afro and a tall chef's hat. We sat and had coffee and then went under the London Bridge and talked for hours. He told me he was going to be a pastor. Wait, what?! I stayed and listened.
This man, this man that the Lord sent me...ok, I am crying again. For so many years, feeling invisible, forgotten, unwanted. And this man looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He treated me like a lady, not a tramp. He really looked at me, and he really saw me. And despite that, he really loved me. Because that is what the Lord had in store for me, for us. The Lord saw this fearful, damaged woman and said no more. No more being alone, no more fending for yourself, no more being lost.
At the time, all I saw was Jim. I had never known a relationship like the one we had. And I had also never known that you could have a real relationship with the God of the universe, the God who created me. I never knew that until Jim spoke to me of this God. This God who gave His son to die for my sins...and oh how many sins I had. A God that loved me so dearly. A God that had a plan for me. Here I thought, wow I finally found a guy who really cares about me. A man who makes every day something special. Now I know what love is. Oh, how right I was and how very wrong I was. Yes, that was love, but then Jim introduced me to LOVE and how my life changed.
I am so grateful for that LOVE today. I have a tangible thread tying me to Jim and that is the love of the Father who brought us together in the first place. I no longer need to say I want to know what love is. I see it every day. In the eyes of my children, in the laughter of my grandchildren. I see it in the tree outside my window that Jim and I sat by for the last few months of his life. Watching the birds come every day, bringing us joy. I see that love in the grass that Jim planted for my mom. In the garden he grew. In the flowers that bloom every year. I see that love when I look at all the people that the Lord brought into the life of this introvert. People who care and who help and who are just there for me. And yes, even in the car he built for me. Every day I have real and undeniable signs that not only is God good, but that He shares that goodness with me. Every day, even in the pain of grief I have the joy of my memories. I have that blessed assurance that I will one day be with the Lord, that I will see Jim again. That although the body dies, love never does.
Do you want to know what love is? A song is nice, but a relationship with Jesus is so much better. It is truly the thing that keeps me walking each day through this life. I know what love is and His name is Jesus.

But if you want to listen to the song, here is a link

I know it's been at least a minute since I last wrote, but I just watched a movie that was so beautiful and so heartbreaking and it just so touched my heart. It is called "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls. It is about a young girl and her family. She is the second of four children; her mother is an artist, her father is a dreamer. That is how it starts out. But you soon see that the dreamer is an alcoholic and the artist is an enabler. The children are caught in the cross fire of that damaged relationship. Jeannette is horribly burned as a child as she is trying to cook a meal because her mother is too busy making art to feed her family. She is taken to the hospital and because her father knows that social services will try to take the kids from them, he steals her away and they run once again. Jeannette is her father's greatest fan, but as she grows she realizes that who she sees her father as, and who he really is are two different things. It turns out he was molested by his domineering mother as a child and that colors the rest of his life. Jeannette has to come to terms later in life with who her father is to her...a demon or a hero.
I watched the movie and just wept. I so related to her. Not that I was traipsing around the country fleeing from debt collectors and social services, but in that I came from a flawed and dysfunctional family. My father was my hero, my father was an alcoholic. My mother and I were not close when I was a child; I admired her and I feared her. Which to anyone who knew her later in life would think that was crazy. But she was the one who would iron my dress on a cold morning so I would be warm and then get drunk and hit me across the chest with a belt. This is not a woe is me story. It is just a fact. I grew up in a home where I never knew what awaited me when I would get home from school. Would my father be happy and teach me to swim or would he be drunk again? Would my mom read me a story or would she be so drunk she would be passed out? There were the years after my dad retired from the LAPD that he woke up still drunk and went to bed even drunker. There were times that I would walk over two miles to get  home from junior high school when I realized no one was there to pick me up because they were both too drunk. My best friend when I was a kid was my dog Holly. That and my record player. I used to spend hours listening to music, just trying to escape. Because of that loneliness and isolation I was pregnant and had an abortion by the time I was 13.
My mother took me to get the abortion when I was 4 months pregnant; it took her that long to realize that I was pregnant.  When we left to get it done, she put a note in my dad's shower to tell him we would be gone a few days for a shopping trip; he never even saw the note, 3 days and he never even realized we were not there.
Uncertainty was the norm. I wasn't popular, but I was a good student. By the time I graduated I was married and then 6 months later the marriage was pretty much over. I could blame my parents, I could say that they ruined my life, but I came to realize that who I am now was shaped by all of that. I could be bitter and say oh if only...but that was not my path. My whole life led me to where I am now. And where I am now is all because of the Lord and His grace and mercy. He led me to a line cook at Hobo Joe's, who made the best french toast ever. What started as another throw away, shallow relationship in my mind, became the gateway to the greatest two relationships I will ever have. First with my husband Jim and then through him, my Lord and Saviour Jesus. I could have stayed a broken resentful woman, but I gave all those shattered pieces to the Lord and He gave me in return a life that has been beautiful. Without my brokenness, I could never appreciate the beauty of all that the Lord has done for me. Without my pain, I could never experience the joys of having a husband who loved me more than anything. Children who are a gift from God, especially now that Jim is not here. And grandchildren who bring a smile to my face and their laughter that brings me such joy.
At the end of the movie, when her father is dying, Jeannette feels that she owes her father nothing. And in most people's eyes, she would probably be right. But then she remembers the times that even as he was fighting his demons he loved her as best as he could in his brokenness. She remembers times of laughter and times of delight. She remembers her father...and that is enough.  I had to come to the realization as well that my parents were just people. My mom was raised by an alcoholic mother who partied and left them behind more often than not. In fact, just like in the movie, my mother had horrible third degree burns from trying to cook a meal on a hot stove. And then because her mother was away, she ran down three flights of stairs to the beach and rolled in the sand to put the flames out. My father saw horrible things in the war and as a policeman and detective. He saw the awful things that people do to each other. They each had their own demons and they each tried on their own to cope as well as they could.
I look back at my childhood, and yes I do remember the sad times. The scary times. But I also remember in the midst of the drunkenness, the laughter. My dad, trying so hard to get an avocado plant to grow from the seed. He finally got it to grow about 4 inches and planted it in a huge pot. It was right next to the dining room table. And one night he got so drunk he fell over right on top of that poor little plant and crushed it. As he was so angry, my mom and I laughed so hard. What a silly memory, but there is always going to be laughter in the midst of the sadness. There will always be joy in the midst of the pain. There will always be light in the midst of the darkness. We just have to look for it.
That is my goal now. Now that Jim is gone and I am alone and trying to reconcile the sorrow with the memories. I will remember that there will still be laughter, there will still be joy, there will still be light. I just have to look for it.
The movie is called The Glass Castle because Jeannette's father always told her he was going to build her a glass house with glass walls and a glass spiral staircase. When they moved to Virginia they began to dig a foundation that he said would be the base for their magnificent home. A few scenes later what was dug out became a hole that was filled with all the trash and detritus of their life. Treasure or trash? A life.

So many things taken for granted
So many things too easily dismissed
So many things that linger in my dreams
Ah, that moment when we first kissed

The feel of your lips, your mustache that tickled
Your eyes that looked at me like I was the only one
That I was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen
And when I saw you, for the first time I did not want to run

All of the hurt, all of the pain, it disappeared
You treated me like a queen, with respect and honor
You showed me love like I had only read of
I fell in love with you that August night, in summer

Marriage, children, laughter and trial
We loved, we lived, we built a life
Somewhere in the midst though
We let it be severed by anger and strife

A family broken, lives torn asunder
Vows shredded, promises thrown aside
We forgot what God had put together
But from His light we could not long hide

He healed, He restored, He brought love anew
He repaired our family, He took away the pain
He brought new life and new love
He formed a family in Him again

Children, and business and a life of ministry
What a rich, fulfilling life we led
Lives that were changed, hearts that were touched
We lived a charmed life it could be said

Those vows that we took so very long ago
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer
In sickness and in health, until death do us part
And it's come to pass that you have entered that door

While my spirit rejoices, that in the twinkling of an eye
You were healed, restored, no longer suffering
You are now in the arms of our Saviour
My heart cannot bear the thought of your leaving

So I remember the softness of your kiss
The warmth of your calloused hand holding mine
Your eyes gazing at me with adoration
The way our very thoughts would align

I see you with your children, the love, the joy
I see you with your grandkids who you cherished and adored
I see you praying for others, strangers and friends
I see you sharing you faith and teaching the Word

I see all that still, in my mind's eye
I hear your voice saying "Gail, I love you"
I feel your arms around me, holding me tight
I hold onto those things when I am feeling lonely and blue

So one day again my husband, my love
I will be with you again
We will reunite and embrace
Rejoicing together in our Father's heaven

For most people, this past year and a half has been spent dealing with Covid. I feel like I barely have a memory of that. What I was dealing with was the fact that my husband Jim was diagnosed with ALS on February 17th, 2020. Our lives changed irrevocably that day.
It still seems surreal; his illness, his death. Jim died on May 17th of this year. But his memory and his legacy has not, and will not die.
We had a beautiful life together. We had weathered the storm of a broken marriage and reunited in God, stronger and more in love than we had ever been. Our mission, our ministry was to share what God had done in our lives. The Lord had spoken to me that as long as we shared the miracle that we had in our marriage, that miracle would never end. It would be shared with others and they in turn would be part of that miracle. We had a strong faith in God. He had done such great things in our lives. Yes we went through hardships, but they were part of the tapestry that God was weaving. The light and the dark; the brutal and the beautiful.
I look back at the day that Jim was diagnosed and I remember barely crying. We just looked at each other and said the Lord would get us through it. He would be our strength. And all the while we believed that He could heal Jim. We believed that He would heal Jim. And Jim's ALS kept progressing. His was a more aggressive form of ALS. It started with his swallowing and speech. My husband who loved to eat spicy meals soon lost his ability to eat anything but the most bland and soft foods. My husband who once sang and preached soon lost his ability to speak clearly. After that he lost his ability to walk on his own. His ability to hold even a cup to drink from. Then he had to have a feeding tube placed in his stomach. All this time we still believed for his healing. Even as we grieved the loss of each function, we still believed.
I don't think I really cried since his death. Yes, tears now and then, but I have felt like I couldn't even fathom the loss, so tears did not come.
And then today I watched the movie I Still Believe, about the life of Christian music artist Jeremy Camp. I don't even know why I turned it on, I was just scrolling and thought it would be interesting. Little did I know that it would open the floodgates of my tears. Here is the story of a young man who falls in love, only to find out that his fiancee has cancer. All the while her faith is so strong, so inspirational. Melissa tells Jeremy that if because of her cancer, one life is changed, that it would all be worth it. Jim said that to me shortly after his diagnosis. Our family was not as close as we once were, our children were not walking in the way of the Lord. Jim said if his illness would bring our children back to us, back together, back to the Lord; if they would see who God really was, that it would be worth all the pain, all the suffering.
As our children watched Jim lose so much, they always saw him stay positive, they saw him still believe. As he became more feeble in body, he became stronger in spirit. He never blamed God. He never became angry. Yes, I know he grieved the losses that he was dealing with, but what he lost just caused what he retained to shine that much more brightly. His love for his family, his love of God never wavered.
There is a quote in the movie where Melissa talks about being just one star out of a billion. Jeremy says that some stars shine so much brighter than others. That is how Jim was. He was such a huge presence wherever he went. When we had our businesses, people came just to talk to him. When he ministered, whether by preaching, teaching or worshiping with his guitar, he was larger than life. He was that bright and shining star. As Melissa is dying she tells Jeremy to remember when he said her star shone so bright. She says that the stars that shine the brightest are the ones that have the shortest life and then explode into a beautiful thing, a supernova. That was Jim's hope for his life. That even though it was cut short, it would not disappear. But that it would shine brightly and light the way to Jesus.
Jim spent most of his adult life in such an intimate relationship with the Lord. It was obvious in his actions and in his words. His greatest desire would be for those that he left behind to not mourn him forever, but to move forward into their walk with the Lord and to have the same deep relationship that he had with God.
I had someone ask me not long ago "How could God let this happen? What was the reason?" I don't have an answer to those questions. I am asking those myself. The title of this post is Brutal and Beautiful. That is what this past year and a half has been. It has been brutal seeing the love of my life stricken with one of the most horrendous diseases known to mankind. To see him lose his voice. To lose his strength. To lose his livelihood. He could no longer hold a tool in his hand, very quickly he could not button his own shirt. He could not put on his own shoes. He wept as he saw what he was losing, but he still rejoiced in his faith in God. It was brutal telling this man who built amazing cars, who had raced those cars that he could no longer drive. It was brutal getting him to use a walker, and then to use a wheelchair, and then a powerchair, finally being bed ridden. It was brutal being unable to understand much of what he tried to say. It was brutal watching my children see their father waste away. To see my grandchildren look at their papa, not understanding why he could no longer play with them, talk to them. There was so much that was brutal.
But in the midst of that brutality, there was beauty. Another quote from the movie is Melissa writing in her journal, that "suffering doesn't destroy faith, it refines it." That is true. The suffering that Jim went through refined him; like gold being refined in the fire. It distilled everything down to that one pure thing; God. God had formed Jim in his mother's womb. He had brought Jim through death at the age of two when asthma took the very breath from him and he died; blue and cold and stiff. God brought him through our broken marriage, seemingly irreparable and made something truly exquisite where there was only wreckage. God brought him into ministry; he touched so many lives; not only by his words, but through his actions and his love. God brought him through all of that and He brought him through ALS too. I said that Jim died on May 17th; Jim won his battle with ALS on that date. It was truly remarkable watching as he passed from this life into his Father's arms. I was holding one hand, my daughter Amber was holding his other, my stepdaughter April was standing right alongside. I told Amber to let go of his hand. As we let go, his hands raised of their own accord and he was instantly in his Saviour's arms. How glorious that moment was. But that ugly demon ALS still tried to show it's dominance; Jim's muscles continued to twitch, that thing that he had dealt with the whole of his illness. His muscles twitched for 20 minutes after Jim was already in heaven, dancing and singing and rejoicing with his Lord. See devil, you lose every time.
My tears are still flowing as I write this. I think the saddest thing is that my biggest fan, my proofreader will not get to read this. He always read what I wrote and prodded me on to greater things. Always encouraging me to use the gift that God had given me. At the end of the movie Jeremy finds a letter from Melissa telling him to pick up his guitar again when he is ready, to share the gift that God has given him. I feel Jim telling me that, to pick up again what I had laid down, and to continue his legacy by sharing all that the Lord has done.
As Melissa wrote in her journal, "God grants healing, miracles do happen; yet to another the call is to suffer and even die. I realized that both have value, because each is a chapter in a bigger story. Each is the stroke of a brush on this beautiful canvas; each is the light of one star helping to form a galaxy. I think I'm one of those lucky people meant to experience both."
While I may not understand why Jim went through all that he did and was not healed, I am not going to question God. And while I may not know what His plan is for the rest of my life, I am going to remember Jim and strive to honor his life, his faith. I can only hope that some day my light will shine as brightly as his did.

Yesterday in my bible reading I was in Isaiah. I finished with chapter 40. What a beautiful picture of who God is. Our Creator, our Father. It harkens back to Job when God says where were you when I set the foundations of the earth? But in all of that, no matter how great He is, how wonderful His creation, He loves US. He formed us for His good pleasure and He takes such delight in us.
So, with it being a rainy day, I put on my lazy pants and turned on a movie. Going along with the chapter 40 reference I decided to watch 'Contact' again. The deep space movie with Jodie Foster. I have written a previous post about this movie and will put a link at the bottom if you would like to read that post.
Anyway, I wanted to see if my reaction to the movie would be as strong as the last time I actually watched it, which was over 20 years ago. I watched that movie late at night and remember going into the bathroom and covering my face with a towel as I wept so hard I thought I would be sick. I wept at the grace shown to me by God. I wept at the love that I had from a Father who cherished me. I wept because in the eyes of the world I was so small and insignificant, but in His eyes I was His beloved daughter. I wept because although my earthly father may have failed me, my heavenly Father never could, never would.
To me that is the premise of this movie. Take away all the secular things going on, boil it all down and I see the love of the Father for His creation.
We see Jodie Foster as Ellie. She loses her dad at a young age and forever after is searching for something more. Always listening into the outer reaches of the skies for 'something', or Someone. Sitting in the desert, alone with an array of antennae that constantly search the sky. Those antennae turning to and fro, seeking for some sign, anything to prove that she is not alone. Ellie has chosen science over everything else, even over relationship with other people. She wants what can be proven.
Finally after years of searching she hears a sound, a message. And following the message a machine is built, to take her where she does not know, but she is determined to go there. What will she find? She doesn't know, but she is sure it is not God. Her statement is, " So what's more likely? That an all-powerful, mysterious God created the Universe, and decided not to give any proof of his existence? Or, that He simply doesn't exist at all, and that we created Him, so that we wouldn't have to feel so small and alone?"
She wants something that can be explained, that can be quantified. And she is determined to find it, even to the extent of losing her life in the process.
So the machine is built. She is sent off, who knows where. Or should I say God knows where. She appears to travel through wormholes and outer space to end up on a deserted beach. A beach that resembles a picture that she drew for her father before he died. She sees a figure walking towards her. It looks like her dad. Of course in the movie it is an alien who comes in a form that seems safe for her. He tells her, "You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we found that makes the emptiness bearable, each other."
That to me is the message. We all feel so lost and alone. I remember so many times as a child feeling like no one loved me. Feeling as though I had no one to turn to. With parents who were alcoholics, lost in their own sad place. I drifted through life seeking to fill that hole with anything I could find. Alcohol, drugs, fleeting relationships. Nothing could fill that empty space in me. That black hole of despair and alienation. Fear and dejection my constant companions. But one day I met the One who would take all of that away. As Palmer Joss in the movie states, "So I was lying there, just looking at the sky... and then I felt something. I don't know I... all I know is that I wasn't alone, and for the first time in my life... I wasn't scared of nothin'... I mean, not even dying. It was God!" I felt for the first time in my life like I mattered. I was loved. I was created for a purpose. I was not a mistake, my life was not meaningless. I may have been like a grain of sand on the beach, but I was His grain of sand, formed and hand polished by the great Creator!
But how do you explain that to those who don't know Him. How do you clarify that to those who don't want to hear? It is something that science cannot quantify. It is a life changing moment. It is a life altering, super nova explosion that forever reshapes and alters your life. It is the moment that darkness becomes light and that you hear the sound that your soul's antenna has been seeking for. It is hearing Him say, "Child, you are mine". It is a gut-wrenching, heart-twisting, mind-blowing moment. When you realize you are not alone. You have never been alone. You just have not to that juncture seen, you have not heard. Now your eyes are open, now your ears apprehend. The love of a Father so great, so good.
You experience what you have been searching for your whole life. The cancellation of the endless emptiness. The cessation of the darkness, the suspension of the silence, the respite from the fear and loneliness. You experience Him.
At the end of the movie Ellie appears before a panel to determine what happened during the mission. There appeared to be a failure, the machine did not seem to go anywhere. Only a moment passed before the machine fell through the bottom and it all appeared to be over. She is told she has no evidence, no proof that what she experienced happened. Nothing scientific to prove her experience. She is told to concede that she has no evidence this journey took place. You can see she is torn. She is in tears as she says, " I... had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision... of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater then ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish... I... could share that... I wish, that everyone, if only for one... moment, could feel... that awe, and humility, and hope. But... That continues to be my wish."
Oh friend, how it is my wish that you could experience the joy, the awe, the knowledge that our Father loves you so. That you are not inconsequential. That you are not worthless. That you are not a mistake or a bother or an aberration. You are rare. You are precious. You are a child of God. The only thing you have to do is to turn your eyes towards Him. Listen to His voice calling your name. And then run to Him and let His love enfold you. He is here. He is near. He is not out in the deep dark reaches of space, He is right here ready to receive you, ready to accept you into His arms. Just reach out.

All movie quotes from imbd.com
Link to previous post on Contact, https://www.justmeredeemed.com/blog/we-have-contact

This last week I was getting ready to go to a memorial service for a dear friend's mom. I had also lost my uncle the week before, and the day before the memorial service my husband Jim was given the diagnosis of ALS. So here I am getting ready for the service and all I hear in my mind is 'death sentence'.
Huh...and then I hear, 'being born, beginning life is a death sentence'. I don't mean that in a maudlin sense, it just is what it is. The moment we enter this world, the instant we take our first breath we begin to die. As advanced as our knowledge is, as progressive as our health care is becoming, nothing is ever going to change the fact that one day we will all die. I am not a fatalist, that is a proven fact.
What we do between our birth and death though, that is what matters. I read once that it is the 'dash' on the gravestone that tells the story. Date of birth - date of death. And what a story we can tell, what a legacy we can leave behind.
As Jim and I sat in that memorial service on Tuesday I heard all of these wonderful people tell the story of Martha Blocker. The life she led, the joy she spread, the gift she left behind. The gift of love and laughter and most importantly of faith. Every person that shared about Martha shared about her great faith in God. About how that faith affected them when she was alive and continues to affect them to this day. She was a light in the darkness, a testimony of God's love and faithfulness. Her grandson JD shared eloquently about her love for the Lord. Her great grandson Trenton shared of her encouragement and inspiration in his life. Her son Doug shared of her great love for him and how she was his greatest cheerleader. And her daughter-in-law Ruthie shared of Martha's affect on her before she even married into the family. As Martha's great granddaughter read in Proverbs 31, what a woman of God she was.
My hope as I go through this life is to have that affect. I know I am not a real people person. I know I tend to withdraw into myself. I know I hide a lot, but I pray that the people I love know just that, that I love them. That I will care for them until the day I die. And I pray that I leave a legacy like Martha did.
And what I pray more than anything is that others will know of my love for the Lord. I have always tried to share my faith, even to those who have no interest. I have tried to share of His grace and mercy in my life. How He brought me out of such great darkness into His marvelous light. How He has carried me through so much to bring me into His salvation and love. And how He has brought healing not only to my body, but to my mind, my emotions. How He healed my marriage and restored such a great love to me for my husband.
I look at my husband Jim and see what hurdles he will have to overcome. But overcome them he will. He has always been a strong man. A man who has taken care of his family, friends and even those who have wronged him. He has given of himself to others in every way. Financially, emotionally, physically. And as I go through this with him now, I know that he will continue to give all that he is able, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of a sense of sharing the Father's love. Every moment of every day since Jim gave his life to the Lord he has been building a legacy for others to look to. Again, not a legacy that shines a spotlight on him, but a legacy that shows how great a God he serves.
We pray for healing for Jim. We trust and know that He can heal if He chooses, but more than anything we pray for His grace to go through this all with the knowledge that He walks with us. He holds us, He comforts us, He strengthens us, and that is the greatest miracle of all. The miracle that He gave His all for us, that we might enter into His love and into His family.
This is not a death sentence as you would suppose. This is just the beginning because we serve such a great and mighty God. This is only the start of the legacy, the inheritance that will be left to our family long after we are gone. And even then we are not really gone, we are in a greater place. In His presence. Oh what a glorious day that will be!



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"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19
We say Happy New Year every January 1st. That's a nice thought, but so often untrue and a letdown, even after just a few days. We make resolutions we attempt to keep, but they rarely last past the end of the month.
How about this year we seek to honor God with our lives. How about we aim to hear His voice every day, to walk in His will with His help and to love as He does.
I don't know about you but I know happiness is fleeting. We get thrown curve balls all the time. Some as ordinary as someone riding your bumper as your driving, not finding your favorite product at the store. Others more serious; financial troubles, health problems that seem so big and scary.
One thing I do know...the joy of the Lord is not fleeting. It is not fickle. It doesn't run and hide when things get rough. It is a quiet affirmation of God's love and delight for you that stays tucked away in your heart as long as you trust Him.
So, this year I say to you- I say to me, not happy new year, but a joyful new year. Joy comes from knowing the Lord. Joy comes from trusting the Lord. Joy comes from having His peace tucked into your heart regardless of circumstances, regardless of your bank account balance, regardless of what the doctor's report says. Joy is in Him and His joy is your strength.
So, joyful new year my friends! Let His joy be reflected in your life today and every day.
(Picture taken in Telluride, CO)

Last week I wrote about the shame I feel in dealing with my weight issues. I know there are many of us, especially us women who deal with shame on a daily basis. We hate how we look, we feel we are not good enough, we are not smart enough. We feel we don't do enough, we feel angry when we have to do everything and then feel ashamed for that anger. Shame piles up on us like someone has taken a dustpan full of ashes and poured them over our head. I never watched the movie 'Carrie', but I have seen that one horrible picture of when the spiteful students pour a bucket of pig's blood all over her. That is what shame feels like.
Shame is this thick, sticky thing that when we let it set just coagulates around everything. It becomes this gelatinous mass that seems impossible to remove and we feel that the stain will last forever. Shame, though an inner emotion makes it feel as if everyone can see every wrong thing you've done, every mistake you've made, every error in judgment. Makes me think of another visual of public shame and humiliation, that old practice of being tarred and feathered. The use of pine tar and feathers to publicly humiliate a person is purportedly said to have first been used by King Richard the Lionheart all the way back in 1189. While generally not physically lethal, the emotional and psychological effects could be devastating. That is how shame feels.
But where does shame really come from? What causes us to feel that we are less than, worthless, never enough? Truly, from my own experience it comes from my not believing who I am in the Lord. I know that is the truth, but I still often struggle with it. As I said last week, I know better but I still battle with it.
As I think on this, I think of the scripture in Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus". Yes, we say. That's it. That is all we have to remember, there is now no condemnation for us now that we believe in Jesus. There is no longer any accusation, any blame, any reproof. No shame. But we still live in it...why? We need to read the rest of that scripture, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." When we walk in shame, we are walking in the flesh. When we remember to walk in the Spirit, when we remember who we are in Christ through His sacrifice, we don't allow ourselves to dwell on the things of the flesh, namely shame.
If you look at shame purely though a psychological lense it says this, "As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards." But truly, shame is something that separates us from God. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves, not on who Christ is in us. It causes us to default back to the way we were before belief in Jesus; we rate ourselves on our own merits, we judge ourselves on our own scale. And that scale is always tipped, and not in our favor.
As we continue to read in Romans 8:5,6 " For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." I don't know about you, but when I am in that cycle of shame, I feel depressed, I feel weighted down, I feel dark. It feels like death. That is what that verse says, to be in the carnal mind is to be in death. The feelings of despair, of hopelessness, of despondency are as thick as that pine tar. What was internal is now visible externally. Through our behavior, through our actions, or lack of action. For me through my poor choices in eating. Feeding my shame with sugar and junk and pardon my language, with crap. It's a compulsion and I, myself am at a loss to stop it.
But alas, I am not by myself. I have Another who loves me. I have One who wants me to live and to live abundantly. Abundantly in the Spirit. Remember, to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. As my friend Ken teaches, we have to make right choices. Every day to choose to live for Christ, to live after His ways, to choose His will. And oh, some days that is so hard. When the shame and frustration and weight of the world seem to be more than I can bear...but wait, He said He took all of that for us. On that cross, that public tool of humiliation and shame...He took our sins, He took our burdens, He took our shame.
Again, this is a journey for me, as it is for many of you. Day by day to wake up and say, this is the day that the Lord has made. This is the day to be glad in Him. To forsake shame and to rise up as His child. To realize in ourselves we lack, but there is no lack in Him. That in ourselves we fail, but He will never fail us. That in the midst of our despair there is joy everlasting in Him. That is what faith is all about. We need to get rid of our own stinkin' thinkin' and really trust that all He says is true. The tar and feathers that have been used to bring shame can be shaken off and we can gather those feathers up and make a bed to rest in Him as we walk by His power and in His Spirit. I don't know about you, but I certainly can use some rest.

All scripture is from the King James Bible
Information on tar and feathering from https://www.ranker.com/list/history-of-tarring-and-feathering/rachel-souerbry
Quote on shame from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

Where do I begin? I somehow maintained writing last year when I was ill and had to go through two surgical procedures. I worked, cared for grandbabies. I just kept going and tried to stay positive and keep my trust in the Lord. Then in the fall there were so many changes that I felt like a boxer who had been punched so many times that I was punch drunk. I felt as though I were staggering through life and couldn't get my balance back. What little equilibrium I had was lost when there was a horrible rift in my family. The church that we felt at home in closed unexpectedly. Then our business was sold and all of the identity I had in that was suddenly gone. I was lying on the mat and the eight count was done. I felt like I couldn't even get up.
I never lost my trust in the Lord but it felt like He was a million miles away. I know He never moved, that it was my own dull hearing and lack of vision that made me lose sight of Him, but the distance felt overwhelming. I felt as though I fell into a depression, a sadness and feeling of loss that I could not get through. I knew I still had to 'do' life; people have to eat, clothes have to be washed, bills need to be paid but all I felt was despair. I guess I could have just gone to bed and never gotten out of it. There were days that I certainly wanted to. There were lots of days where it was just getting the bare minimum done and watching Hallmark movies all day. Right, like that's going to make me feel better; they all got their happy endings.
To my shame the way I dealt with that depression and feelings of loss was to eat. That is what I have always fallen back on. I look back and see the patterns, see the way I just default to that response. Sugar, whatever I can fill my mouth with to make me feel better for the moment. And the thing about dealing with depression this way is that everyone can see it. I feel ashamed of myself. I now more than ever don't even want to leave the house because I am so embarrassed by the weight I have put on. I have a beautiful car I could be driving but I am humiliated to even get into it. It feels like with every pound that went on that the 'Loser' sign on my forehead just got larger. So it becomes a vicious circle; stay inside and eat, feel ashamed and don't want to get out, so I eat. Feel as though any self-control I have is gone, eat.
My best friend always says that people don't really know me. That they see me a certain way, all put together and on top of the world basically. You know what, all of us wear masks. We all hide things, we all have pain that needs to be dealt with. I am a woman who has gone through hell, been received into the heavenly realm by my Father and I still struggle. When you think of people losing control you think of drugs or alcohol or drastic dangerous behavior. I've done all of that. Now this is my nemesis. This is my shame. And honestly at the moment I don't see a way out of it. There have been so many times I just pulled myself up by my boot straps and kept going, but I am tired and I am weary and I just don't have it in me. I can't even seem to wrap my head around getting healthy again, about taking control again. And don't say that we can do all things through Christ...yes, I know that. I have spouted that. I have proclaimed that from the rooftops. But sometimes just breathing is too much.
Many of us have struggles. Many of us have shameful things we do or think and to tell us that we just need to pull ourselves together and trust God is almost an abomination. Don't you think that just opening our eyes up in the morning is the greatest act of trust that we can have at the moment? Don't you know that we beat ourselves up, not daily but by the minute for our failures, our lack? That we think, "God am I too far gone for you to get me through this?", and then feel like more of a failure for our lack of faith. My prayer is always, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
This is not a message of hopelessness. Rather this for me is a message of hope. My only hope is in Him, and even if I can't see the answer right now I know it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I do know He is faithful. My point in this message is to let you know that, as the song by We Are Messengers  says 'it's ok not to be ok'. Don't you think that the God that knew you before you were so carefully crafted in your mother's womb really knows you? Don't you know He sees your faults and your failings and that He still loves you? Oh, Lord you are my only hope and that is what I hold on to every day. Even every day that as I lay my head down to try to sleep I know that I failed again...the only thing that will not fail is His love for me.
Dear child, you are not perfect, but you are being perfected in Him. Even in this season of hopelessness and despair, this time of frustration and anger He still holds you. Even when all seems lost, you are not. And yes, I say this all to myself right now and pray that today is the day that I not only believe this, but that I can live it. But also to realize that if I do fall He will always pick me up. There is always hope...in Him.
To be continued...

To listen to the song by We Are Messengers, follow this link
https://youtu.be/hl5GcRrJLyw

It's Christmas Eve and it has been some time since I have posted anything. This has been a rough year with lots of illness, too much change and just a lot of emotional processing going on. I don't know that I wanted to write from out of that place these past couple of months. So Christmas is tomorrow. The time when pretty much the whole world celebrates. Some truly celebrate what the day is about; the blessed birth of our Saviour. Many others celebrate presents and food and spending too much money. I wanted to end this year on a high note. I wanted to talk about the present given to us, that gift of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Cory Asbury sings a song called 'Reckless Love'. Many have been offended by it saying that God is not reckless, that the song misrepresents Him. When I think of the love of Christ, that love that gave all for me I don't see the contradiction in the word. I'm not sure what Webster's says reckless is but in my mind reckless means without any thought to self-preservation. And that is exactly how God was thinking when He sent His Son to be born and then to die. Philippians 2:5-8 says this, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Jesus had no thought of self-preservation when He came down from heaven to be born as a baby. This child, born in human flesh felt the cold, felt hunger, felt all that we feel.
Another song I love at Christmas is 'Mary did you know?' Yes, she knew what the angel of the Lord had spoken, but did she really know? Did she know that this beautiful baby boy would one day die for her sins along with all of ours? Did she know that He would bear the crushing weight of every sin from the beginning of time until time passes away? Did she know that she would watch as He suffered on that cross, as His flesh was torn, as those nails were hammered in? I cannot even imagine the agony she felt as she witnessed her beloved son bruised, broken and battered. She may not have known the full extent of what would happen, but Jesus did. He knew! And He still went through with it. All for the love of His Father and for the love of us.
That is reckless love. Giving all when He could expect nothing in return. All in the hopes that we would accept His sacrifice and receive salvation. If I were a gambling man I don't think I would take that bet. In the minds of the disciples, in the minds of His friends and family what were they thinking when Jesus was taken off that cross? Dead is dead. Sure He may have raised a few from the dead, but this is different. Jesus is dead, who is going to raise Him? Sounds not only reckless but irresponsible. I have been reading a book by Simon Tugwell, The Beatitudes: Soundings in Christian Tradition. It goes into depth on the Beatitudes and really brings to light what Jesus was teaching. On the chapter about "blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy' it speaks of the mercy that God showed to us all, in our sin. It shows how we as Christ-followers are to show the same mercy to others, regardless of who we are. It speaks of almsgiving, giving to those in need. "The reason why almsgiving is a remedy for sin is that it is a way of restoring likeness to God. And it is like God because it is reckless. The rule that our Lord gives is absolutely clear and unambiguous; 'Give to everyone who asks' (Luke 6:30)...When our Lord tells us to be merciful as our heavenly Father is merciful, he prefaces this command with the declaration that God gives to the good and bad alike with no distinctions (Luke 6:35). He is, if you like, irresponsible in his giving. He does not wait to see whether we are going to make good use of his gifts before he gives them; his grace is not given strictly in accordance with how he foresees we shall profit by it. He rains upon the just and the unjust in equal measure, regardless of whether or not the unjust hath the just's umbrella. God gives abundantly to all and sundry, without stint, without calculation...It is in this spirit also that God forgives. Forgiveness is only a special instance of the way in which God manages all his giving. He does not say, 'Well, all right; you're a good chap underneath, I'll give you one more chance.' When St. Peter wanted to make sure he had got the arithmetic of forgiveness right, he was answered only with a sum he probably did not know how to do. Forgiveness is reckless. It squanders itself upon rogues who have no intention of improving themselves. All it asks for is that it be received. The only unforgivable sin in the sin against forgiveness; the sin which directly and immediately refuses forgiveness."
While I know that God has plans for us, that He thought through the beginning from the end, I am so grateful that He took no thought of laying it all down for us. He lay down His royalty. He lay down His power. He lay down His immortality and took up our flesh. Why did He do that? He did that for the one in a million chance that you would say yes. No offense, but it was a cosmic crap shoot, the dice flying and the odds were always in our favor. We win! We always win.
Reckless love. Irresponsible giving. Just another name for grace. I pray that in the hustle and bustle of tonight and tomorrow that you remember that grace. That you remember that the little baby born in a manger did not stay there. He became a man who became our substitute on the cross. He gave all that you might have all. And in remembering that, remember that it was all because of His love for us. His love was shown in His grace. Let us love others like Christ loved us. Let us show others grace like He showed us. Let us be reckless like our Father and give without stint or calculation. Let us be like Christ, we may be the only ones reckless enough to do so.

To listen to the song Reckless love follow this link, https://youtu.be/6xx0d3R2LoU
Tugwell, Simon. The Beatitudes; Soundings in Christian Tradition, Templegate, 1980. pp 91,92