Last week I wrote about the shame I feel in dealing with my weight issues. I know there are many of us, especially us women who deal with shame on a daily basis. We hate how we look, we feel we are not good enough, we are not smart enough. We feel we don't do enough, we feel angry when we have to do everything and then feel ashamed for that anger. Shame piles up on us like someone has taken a dustpan full of ashes and poured them over our head. I never watched the movie 'Carrie', but I have seen that one horrible picture of when the spiteful students pour a bucket of pig's blood all over her. That is what shame feels like.
Shame is this thick, sticky thing that when we let it set just coagulates around everything. It becomes this gelatinous mass that seems impossible to remove and we feel that the stain will last forever. Shame, though an inner emotion makes it feel as if everyone can see every wrong thing you've done, every mistake you've made, every error in judgment. Makes me think of another visual of public shame and humiliation, that old practice of being tarred and feathered. The use of pine tar and feathers to publicly humiliate a person is purportedly said to have first been used by King Richard the Lionheart all the way back in 1189. While generally not physically lethal, the emotional and psychological effects could be devastating. That is how shame feels.
But where does shame really come from? What causes us to feel that we are less than, worthless, never enough? Truly, from my own experience it comes from my not believing who I am in the Lord. I know that is the truth, but I still often struggle with it. As I said last week, I know better but I still battle with it.
As I think on this, I think of the scripture in Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus". Yes, we say. That's it. That is all we have to remember, there is now no condemnation for us now that we believe in Jesus. There is no longer any accusation, any blame, any reproof. No shame. But we still live in it...why? We need to read the rest of that scripture, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." When we walk in shame, we are walking in the flesh. When we remember to walk in the Spirit, when we remember who we are in Christ through His sacrifice, we don't allow ourselves to dwell on the things of the flesh, namely shame.
If you look at shame purely though a psychological lense it says this, "As a self-conscious emotion, shame informs us of an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, dishonor, regret, or disconnection. Shame is a clear signal that our positive feelings have been interrupted. Another person or a circumstance can trigger shame in us, but so can a failure to meet our own ideals or standards." But truly, shame is something that separates us from God. It causes us to look inward and focus on ourselves, not on who Christ is in us. It causes us to default back to the way we were before belief in Jesus; we rate ourselves on our own merits, we judge ourselves on our own scale. And that scale is always tipped, and not in our favor.
As we continue to read in Romans 8:5,6 " For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace." I don't know about you, but when I am in that cycle of shame, I feel depressed, I feel weighted down, I feel dark. It feels like death. That is what that verse says, to be in the carnal mind is to be in death. The feelings of despair, of hopelessness, of despondency are as thick as that pine tar. What was internal is now visible externally. Through our behavior, through our actions, or lack of action. For me through my poor choices in eating. Feeding my shame with sugar and junk and pardon my language, with crap. It's a compulsion and I, myself am at a loss to stop it.
But alas, I am not by myself. I have Another who loves me. I have One who wants me to live and to live abundantly. Abundantly in the Spirit. Remember, to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. As my friend Ken teaches, we have to make right choices. Every day to choose to live for Christ, to live after His ways, to choose His will. And oh, some days that is so hard. When the shame and frustration and weight of the world seem to be more than I can bear...but wait, He said He took all of that for us. On that cross, that public tool of humiliation and shame...He took our sins, He took our burdens, He took our shame.
Again, this is a journey for me, as it is for many of you. Day by day to wake up and say, this is the day that the Lord has made. This is the day to be glad in Him. To forsake shame and to rise up as His child. To realize in ourselves we lack, but there is no lack in Him. That in ourselves we fail, but He will never fail us. That in the midst of our despair there is joy everlasting in Him. That is what faith is all about. We need to get rid of our own stinkin' thinkin' and really trust that all He says is true. The tar and feathers that have been used to bring shame can be shaken off and we can gather those feathers up and make a bed to rest in Him as we walk by His power and in His Spirit. I don't know about you, but I certainly can use some rest.

All scripture is from the King James Bible
Information on tar and feathering from https://www.ranker.com/list/history-of-tarring-and-feathering/rachel-souerbry
Quote on shame from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

Where do I begin? I somehow maintained writing last year when I was ill and had to go through two surgical procedures. I worked, cared for grandbabies. I just kept going and tried to stay positive and keep my trust in the Lord. Then in the fall there were so many changes that I felt like a boxer who had been punched so many times that I was punch drunk. I felt as though I were staggering through life and couldn't get my balance back. What little equilibrium I had was lost when there was a horrible rift in my family. The church that we felt at home in closed unexpectedly. Then our business was sold and all of the identity I had in that was suddenly gone. I was lying on the mat and the eight count was done. I felt like I couldn't even get up.
I never lost my trust in the Lord but it felt like He was a million miles away. I know He never moved, that it was my own dull hearing and lack of vision that made me lose sight of Him, but the distance felt overwhelming. I felt as though I fell into a depression, a sadness and feeling of loss that I could not get through. I knew I still had to 'do' life; people have to eat, clothes have to be washed, bills need to be paid but all I felt was despair. I guess I could have just gone to bed and never gotten out of it. There were days that I certainly wanted to. There were lots of days where it was just getting the bare minimum done and watching Hallmark movies all day. Right, like that's going to make me feel better; they all got their happy endings.
To my shame the way I dealt with that depression and feelings of loss was to eat. That is what I have always fallen back on. I look back and see the patterns, see the way I just default to that response. Sugar, whatever I can fill my mouth with to make me feel better for the moment. And the thing about dealing with depression this way is that everyone can see it. I feel ashamed of myself. I now more than ever don't even want to leave the house because I am so embarrassed by the weight I have put on. I have a beautiful car I could be driving but I am humiliated to even get into it. It feels like with every pound that went on that the 'Loser' sign on my forehead just got larger. So it becomes a vicious circle; stay inside and eat, feel ashamed and don't want to get out, so I eat. Feel as though any self-control I have is gone, eat.
My best friend always says that people don't really know me. That they see me a certain way, all put together and on top of the world basically. You know what, all of us wear masks. We all hide things, we all have pain that needs to be dealt with. I am a woman who has gone through hell, been received into the heavenly realm by my Father and I still struggle. When you think of people losing control you think of drugs or alcohol or drastic dangerous behavior. I've done all of that. Now this is my nemesis. This is my shame. And honestly at the moment I don't see a way out of it. There have been so many times I just pulled myself up by my boot straps and kept going, but I am tired and I am weary and I just don't have it in me. I can't even seem to wrap my head around getting healthy again, about taking control again. And don't say that we can do all things through Christ...yes, I know that. I have spouted that. I have proclaimed that from the rooftops. But sometimes just breathing is too much.
Many of us have struggles. Many of us have shameful things we do or think and to tell us that we just need to pull ourselves together and trust God is almost an abomination. Don't you think that just opening our eyes up in the morning is the greatest act of trust that we can have at the moment? Don't you know that we beat ourselves up, not daily but by the minute for our failures, our lack? That we think, "God am I too far gone for you to get me through this?", and then feel like more of a failure for our lack of faith. My prayer is always, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
This is not a message of hopelessness. Rather this for me is a message of hope. My only hope is in Him, and even if I can't see the answer right now I know it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I do know He is faithful. My point in this message is to let you know that, as the song by We Are Messengers  says 'it's ok not to be ok'. Don't you think that the God that knew you before you were so carefully crafted in your mother's womb really knows you? Don't you know He sees your faults and your failings and that He still loves you? Oh, Lord you are my only hope and that is what I hold on to every day. Even every day that as I lay my head down to try to sleep I know that I failed again...the only thing that will not fail is His love for me.
Dear child, you are not perfect, but you are being perfected in Him. Even in this season of hopelessness and despair, this time of frustration and anger He still holds you. Even when all seems lost, you are not. And yes, I say this all to myself right now and pray that today is the day that I not only believe this, but that I can live it. But also to realize that if I do fall He will always pick me up. There is always hope...in Him.
To be continued...

To listen to the song by We Are Messengers, follow this link
https://youtu.be/hl5GcRrJLyw

It's Christmas Eve and it has been some time since I have posted anything. This has been a rough year with lots of illness, too much change and just a lot of emotional processing going on. I don't know that I wanted to write from out of that place these past couple of months. So Christmas is tomorrow. The time when pretty much the whole world celebrates. Some truly celebrate what the day is about; the blessed birth of our Saviour. Many others celebrate presents and food and spending too much money. I wanted to end this year on a high note. I wanted to talk about the present given to us, that gift of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Cory Asbury sings a song called 'Reckless Love'. Many have been offended by it saying that God is not reckless, that the song misrepresents Him. When I think of the love of Christ, that love that gave all for me I don't see the contradiction in the word. I'm not sure what Webster's says reckless is but in my mind reckless means without any thought to self-preservation. And that is exactly how God was thinking when He sent His Son to be born and then to die. Philippians 2:5-8 says this, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Jesus had no thought of self-preservation when He came down from heaven to be born as a baby. This child, born in human flesh felt the cold, felt hunger, felt all that we feel.
Another song I love at Christmas is 'Mary did you know?' Yes, she knew what the angel of the Lord had spoken, but did she really know? Did she know that this beautiful baby boy would one day die for her sins along with all of ours? Did she know that He would bear the crushing weight of every sin from the beginning of time until time passes away? Did she know that she would watch as He suffered on that cross, as His flesh was torn, as those nails were hammered in? I cannot even imagine the agony she felt as she witnessed her beloved son bruised, broken and battered. She may not have known the full extent of what would happen, but Jesus did. He knew! And He still went through with it. All for the love of His Father and for the love of us.
That is reckless love. Giving all when He could expect nothing in return. All in the hopes that we would accept His sacrifice and receive salvation. If I were a gambling man I don't think I would take that bet. In the minds of the disciples, in the minds of His friends and family what were they thinking when Jesus was taken off that cross? Dead is dead. Sure He may have raised a few from the dead, but this is different. Jesus is dead, who is going to raise Him? Sounds not only reckless but irresponsible. I have been reading a book by Simon Tugwell, The Beatitudes: Soundings in Christian Tradition. It goes into depth on the Beatitudes and really brings to light what Jesus was teaching. On the chapter about "blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy' it speaks of the mercy that God showed to us all, in our sin. It shows how we as Christ-followers are to show the same mercy to others, regardless of who we are. It speaks of almsgiving, giving to those in need. "The reason why almsgiving is a remedy for sin is that it is a way of restoring likeness to God. And it is like God because it is reckless. The rule that our Lord gives is absolutely clear and unambiguous; 'Give to everyone who asks' (Luke 6:30)...When our Lord tells us to be merciful as our heavenly Father is merciful, he prefaces this command with the declaration that God gives to the good and bad alike with no distinctions (Luke 6:35). He is, if you like, irresponsible in his giving. He does not wait to see whether we are going to make good use of his gifts before he gives them; his grace is not given strictly in accordance with how he foresees we shall profit by it. He rains upon the just and the unjust in equal measure, regardless of whether or not the unjust hath the just's umbrella. God gives abundantly to all and sundry, without stint, without calculation...It is in this spirit also that God forgives. Forgiveness is only a special instance of the way in which God manages all his giving. He does not say, 'Well, all right; you're a good chap underneath, I'll give you one more chance.' When St. Peter wanted to make sure he had got the arithmetic of forgiveness right, he was answered only with a sum he probably did not know how to do. Forgiveness is reckless. It squanders itself upon rogues who have no intention of improving themselves. All it asks for is that it be received. The only unforgivable sin in the sin against forgiveness; the sin which directly and immediately refuses forgiveness."
While I know that God has plans for us, that He thought through the beginning from the end, I am so grateful that He took no thought of laying it all down for us. He lay down His royalty. He lay down His power. He lay down His immortality and took up our flesh. Why did He do that? He did that for the one in a million chance that you would say yes. No offense, but it was a cosmic crap shoot, the dice flying and the odds were always in our favor. We win! We always win.
Reckless love. Irresponsible giving. Just another name for grace. I pray that in the hustle and bustle of tonight and tomorrow that you remember that grace. That you remember that the little baby born in a manger did not stay there. He became a man who became our substitute on the cross. He gave all that you might have all. And in remembering that, remember that it was all because of His love for us. His love was shown in His grace. Let us love others like Christ loved us. Let us show others grace like He showed us. Let us be reckless like our Father and give without stint or calculation. Let us be like Christ, we may be the only ones reckless enough to do so.

To listen to the song Reckless love follow this link, https://youtu.be/6xx0d3R2LoU
Tugwell, Simon. The Beatitudes; Soundings in Christian Tradition, Templegate, 1980. pp 91,92

I haven't written for awhile.  I am not sure what is going on...I'm a bit lost right now.  So much has gone on this year and I am trying to reevaluate things.  And while things seem topsy turvy, He is still in control.  I know that, but sometimes I don't 'know' that. 
I wrote this poem as a creative writing assignment.  We had to take something and inter cut into it to change it.  I chose Psalm 93.  The first paragraph is the original Psalm, what follows is my poem.
God bless you greatly today.  Rest in Him.

"The Lord reigns; he is robed in majesty;
the Lord is robed; he has put on strength as his belt.
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
Your throne is established from of old;
you are from everlasting.
The floods have lifted up, O Lord,
the floods have lifted up their voice;
the floods lift up their roaring.
Mightier than the thunders of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea,
the Lord on high is mighty!
 Your decrees are very trustworthy;
holiness befits your house,
O Lord, forevermore."
 
 
 
 
The Lord reigns on high; Great and mighty is He
Our faithful protector, our strong defender
His glory, His honor, His majesty we joyfully decree.
 
The Lord is robed in splendor; He has put on strength as His belt.
He never slumbers nor grows weary, always near
His presence like a blanket, warm and comforting, it is felt.
 
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved.
No matter the trial, the temptation, the storm
His steadfastness, His love has more than been proved.
 
Your throne is established from of old; You are from everlasting.
You are and were and always will be, almighty and infinite
Your promise You have kept, never leaving nor forsaking.
 
 
 
The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the waters have raised their voice;
The sound of the waves resounding, the sound of the floods crashing.
This show of your power and might leads me to rejoice.
 
Mightier than the thunders of many waters,
mightier than the waves of the sea, the Lord on high is mighty!
We exult in being Your chosen sons and daughters.
 
Your decrees are trustworthy; holiness befits Your house,
O Lord, You are with us always and forever
Your will, Your way, Your truth we will continue to espouse.
 
Lord You reign in heaven and You rule in my heart,
My soul doth rejoice, my heart filled with wonder
Oh Lord My God, how great Thou art!
 

So I just spent the last half hour going through all my past posts.  Looking to see if I had written anything based on the movie "The Last Samurai".  I was really surprised to find nothing.  Most women's favorite movies are rom-coms or light period pieces, but personally my favorite movies by far are a bit more gruesome.  I don't mean horror movies or thrillers.  I mean Braveheart, Last of the Mohicans, The Patriot and of course The Last Samurai.  Movies about war and battle, honor and integrity.  Movies where men are men and they fight for the people they love and the values they believe in.  Movies where broken people learn what is truly important and learn what they are made of.  Where brokenness can be changed forever by honor and sacrifice.
Such a movie is The Last Samurai.  Captain Algren, a 'war hero' is now a drunk, a shill for the rifle company who pays him to share his exploits killing Indians.  He is tired, disillusioned and angry.  He agrees to go to Japan to help train the emperor's army to put down a rebellion.  He says for 500 dollars a month he will kill whoever he has to.  He goes there prepared to make some quick money and get out.  Instead the Colonel demands that the poorly trained army head out immediately to quell the rebel fighters.  They are so ill prepared that most of them are killed, the others run away.  Captain Algren fights until he cannot stand any longer.  The leader of the rebels, Katsumoto is compelled to spare his life.  He is taken to the village where the Samurai live and train. 
After Algren recovers from his injuries he lives among the villagers.  He cannot leave until spring, so he begins to observe his captors.  He is drawn to their way of life, to their commitment and dedication to the way of the Samurai.  "They are an intriguing people. From the moment they wake they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue. I have never seem such discipline. I am surprised to learn that the word Samurai means, 'to serve'."  I was struck by the meaning of the word 'samurai'.  You assume that they are just warriors, men of the sword, militants led by a warlord.  Instead they lived by a code of service to their lord.  Some of the first written documents available from Japanese history are poems written by warriors about service as border guards:
"From today
Without regard for myself
I set out
A shield strong but humble
For our Sovereign Lord." (1)
That is to be our lives as servants of our God.  We are to be Samurai in the service of our Lord.  I think most of us just live as Thoreau wrote in Walden, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation".  What a sad commentary that is.  There is a time for quiet contemplation and there is a time for getting out there and making some noise.  How often do we wake up, start the day already worn out and just hope for a somewhat peaceful day to pass quickly so we can get back into bed again.  Forget about seeking perfection in what we do, let's just get this day over with.  We serve a most noble Lord.  We serve the great Creator and Redeemer.  How does that reflect on Him if we while away the hours just getting by?  How does His excellence and majesty get portrayed when we can barely muster the energy to get through the drive thru lane at the local coffee shop?  Discipline, we hardly have enough self-control to get through the commute to work without expressing our displeasure with our fellow drivers.  Oh, how I want to live a life that is devoted to the perfection of being a child of God.  I want to emulate my Lord.  I want to stand up for the things He stands up for and to put behind me the things that displease Him. 
We are so busy with all that is temporal.  Sleep, and work.  Household duties and children.  Taxes and too little pay.  Yard work and recreation.  Too much to distract us from what is truly important.  Most of it things we need to think about; loving our spouses, teaching our children.  But so much that is not imperative.  What restaurant to eat at, what kind of lawn mower to buy, where can I find those shoes I really want.  As Algren learned when he was defeated in sparring practice, "too many mind".  He asks what is that?  "Mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind enemy - -too many mind. "  His instructor says, "no mind".  Meaning let everything else fall aside.  Keep your mind on the thing that is most important.  Focus on the essential, let everything else fade away.  Like that beautiful old hymn, 'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of Your glory and grace'.  Seek Him first.  His will, His way and then your focus will become laser clear.
When we are still, when we stop and let things become clear we can feel His presence.  Again Algren comes to understand this in the quiet of that lovely village.  "There is so much here I will never understand. I've never been a church going man, and what I've seen on the field of battle has led me to question God's purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power."  The thing that he did not understand though was that when we seek God, we will find Him.  He will never stay hidden from us when what we desire most is Him.  Yes we will be aware of His power, but more than that, we will bask in His presence and we will know His purpose for our lives.
It amazes me what I can get out of a movie when I see it through the eyes of the Spirit.  There was so much here that spoke of the Father's love for us.   One such scene was when Katsumoto is being held prisoner and Algren, Katsumoto's son and some men from the village come to rescue him.  In the ensuing fight, the son is shot.  He knows he is going to die, but he wants that death to mean something.  He tells his father to leave him there, that it is his time.  He wants his life to have purpose even in his death.  He will use his last bit of strength to die at the enemy's hands so that his friends and family may escape that same death.  Katsumoto props him up against a tree, looks at his son with tears in his eyes and then turns his back and lets his son die for his people.  If that is not a picture of the Father's love for us and the sacrifice He made by allowing His Son to die on that tree for us, then I don't know what is. 
At the end of the movie, when Katsumoto knows that all that is left for him and his people is death, he says to Algren, "For nine hundred years, my ancestors have protected our people. Now... I have failed them."  Algren replies, " So you will take your own life? In shame? Shame for a life of service? Discipline? Compassion? "  To that Katsumoto answers, "The way of the Samurai is not necessary anymore."  "Necessary? What could be more necessary?"  We are told in our modern culture that it is every man for himself.  That it is a dog eat dog world.  Take care of number one.  All of that goes against what is meant by a life of service.  Remember that Japanese poem above, 'From today, without regard for myself...'  That is what the life of a spiritual Samurai is supposed to be about.   Service, discipline, compassion.  Having the heart of God for our neighbor, and yes, for our enemy.  Living with no regard for ourselves, esteeming others higher than ourselves.  That is an oxymoron to most people in the world today.  But to those of us who have committed our lives to serving our Lord it is a call to action.
A life of service is not an easy one.  There is hard work, there is commitment to duty and honor.  There are rough times and there are times of ease.  There are times of sorrow and times of joy.  People today think life is wasted if money is not made.  If success is not seen in the eyes of others.  We pursue fleeting things, rather than eternal things.  We seek highs, forgetting that the lows have their value also.  Katsumoto tells Algren, "The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."  He was implying that it would be almost impossible to find that perfect moment, that perfect blossom.  It wouldn't be wasted time, but you may never find one.  As he lay dying on the battlefield, he sees cherry blossoms floating in the air among the smoke.  He says with his last breath, "Perfect... They are all... perfect..."  Here I go crying again as I write.  Every moment that God gives us is perfect.  Every one.  The painful, the beautiful.  The loss and the achievements.  Every moment can be exquisite if we will look at it through the eyes of our Father and let Him work out His will in us...becoming perfect as He is perfect.

(1) Origin of the Samurai, https://judoinfo.com/samurai/
Movie quotes from imdb.com

I've set out to write an epic poem
to celebrate a hero of legendary proportion
An extraordinary way to show Him
that He alone is my lot and my portion

He is my Creator, the Grand Architect
the builder of my life and path
He alone is the One my way He doth direct
my life's purpose and plan He does hath

I rise with the sun, that light in the morn
roused from sleep with praise on my lips
I know that to this altogether was I born
To see His face, the sun He doth eclipse

I sing with joy, orchestrating praise
lifting my hands in sweet surrender
My adoration and worship I doth raise
to Him for all His glory and splendour

The birds they do sing, my ears doth delight
as they too adore the Ruler and King
Taking wing and soaring in flight
as if to the heavens their praises to bring

The vibrant flowers lift their glorious heads
basking in the light of His beauty and grace
I think if they could rise out of their beds
they would seek out His warm embrace

Nature seems ready to put us to shame
the rocks and stones about to cry out
It is my one true desire and aim
to praise Him with an outspoken shout

To Him be all the glory, to Him all acclaim
He is worthy of that and so much more
If for no other reason than the sweetness of His name
That name that is the stuff of legend and lore

Jesus, sweet Jesus, my Saviour, my Lord, my all
My heart rejoices, it revels in knowing
That for me You gave all, You heard me before I could call
In giving Your life for me, You became my everything

Less of me, more of You is what I hope to attain
that when others happen to gaze upon my face
They will glance, and then look again
Because it will be You they see, in all Your glory and grace

It is all the rage these days, detoxes and cleanses.  To get your insides cleaned up and functioning to their greatest effect.  Their purpose is to remove toxins, poisons, pollutants from your body.  They are used for weight loss and to get rid of the build up of toxins that may be harming your body or even killing you.  Juice cleanse, liver detox, master cleanse; there are more ways to flush out your body than you can shake a stick at.  The thought is, why stop at just outer care for your body; washing your face with natural soaps, soaking your skin in organic emollients, doing your daily ablutions religiously, but never caring for the inner parts.  The life is in the inner man.
That is kind of how it was before Jesus came.  When the people sinned they would make an offering of an
animal without spot or blemish before the Lord.  The animal was killed and some of the blood was sprinkled by the priest on the alter for a sin offering.  And then there was the Day of Atonement when the high priest entered into the Holy of Holies; once a year to offer a sacrifice for all the people.  The thing was though that their sins were not removed, they were just covered over.  The high priest would bring in two goats, one to sacrifice for the Israelites, for their uncleanness and whatever sins they may have committed; the other goat ceremonially carried the sins of the Israelites by the laying on of the high priest's hands and confessing the rebellion and wickedness of the people.  This goat was taken outside the camp and released into the wilderness.  The goat carried on itself the sins of the people which were forgiven for another year, that's where the word scapegoat comes from.
What we saw in that ritual was basically the washing of the face in regards to sin.  The outer man was cleansed, but the inner man was not.  Those sacrifices were more or less like sweeping up the dirt and debris on the floor and pushing it under the rug.  It was never completely removed.  As Hebrews 9:9,10 says, "the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper. They are only a matter of food and drink and various ceremonial washings—external regulations applying until the time of the new order." (NIV)  Even after all the ceremonies, all the rituals, they knew that they would have to do it all over again the next time they sinned.  And there would have to be another Yom Kippur, or Day of Atonement the following year because their sin was never completely done away with.
Over and over again.  Bulls and sheep and goats and doves.  Blood and death and sacrifice.  Day in and day out, year after year. 
Can you imagine.  Wow, today I feel so clean, so whole, so pure.  Oh, shoot, I sinned again. Time to run to the local sheep lot and hope to find another perfect animal to slaughter.  Never having a clear conscience, never feeling like you could do enough to please God.  Never feeling worthy of His love or free to worship with your whole heart.  A life filled with dread, a heart unsure of God's love, a conscience that was never cleansed no matter how much blood was spilled.
Until...
"Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and more perfect tent (not made with hands, that is, not of this creation) he entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption. For if the blood of goats and bulls, and the sprinkling of defiled persons with the ashes of a heifer, sanctify for the purification of the flesh, how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God," Hebrews 9:11-14 (NIV).  He came and sacrificed Himself, of His own accord, because of the Father's love for us.  Not a sacrifice that must be done every time we sin, that must be repeated yearly; but once, for all.  "When he said above, “You have neither desired nor taken pleasure in sacrifices and offerings and burnt offerings and sin offerings” (these are offered according to the law), then he added, “Behold, I have come to do your will.” He does away with the first in order to establish the second. And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God," Hebrews 10:8-12 (NIV)  He sat down by His Father because the work had been done.  As He said on the cross, "It is finished".  No more blood to be spilled.  No more rituals, no more sacrifice.  And what strikes me about the passage above is that it says in verse 8 that those former things were done according to the law.  He gave His life not for the law, but for love.  And that love sets us free to love Him in return and to have a conscience that is continually clean before Him.  No more doubt.  No more fear. 
It is hard for us to imagine that.  Especially on the days that we blow it.  We lose our temper at work.  We get angry with our spouse or children.  We rail at the opposite political party.  We lie, we curse, we mentally commit murder with our hatred of others.  How many sheep do we have to sacrifice for those sins?  Let me count them up...uh, none.  Remember, He offered for all a single sacrifice.  In His eyes we are clean.  In His eyes we are perfect..."For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified," v 14.  We are set apart, holy, free from sin.  Yes, we were born with a sin nature, but by His blood we are washed clean.  Though our sins were as scarlet, we are now white as snow. 
It is with a clean conscience that we have the freedom to worship God wholly.  No more washing, no more cleanses.  No more trying on our own power to take a wet wipe and scour away the stains of sin and death.  No more spit baths attempting to wipe the schmutz of guilt off.  We have been scrubbed clean by the blood of the Lamb.  Not only is the outer man all spiffy, but the inner man is spotless.  Free to live a life unto Him who calls us His own.

This has been a year, and it's not even August yet.  Well, of course it has been a year.  That is like saying, wow it's been a long day...uh, every day is 24 hours, duh...Seriously, I don't remember ever being this tired, this worn out.  Of course part of it is age and the fact that I have been dealing with illness since the beginning of the year.  And then add in waiting on insurance, doctors, etc.  Thankful to say that hopefully that is behind me now.  The gallbladder was taken out, the kidney stone was pulverized and now back to bigger and better things.  Oh wait, the changes are just starting.  The business we built these past few years is going to our son, Andy...tomorrow.  And the house we have been living in these past twenty something years is being sold.  Change...oh change is anathema to me.  I hate change.  I stress, I can't sleep, my mind never stops.  What are we going to do now.  Where are we going to live, what does the future hold?
As I was thinking of this all last night again...thinking I said, I didn't say worry did I?  I pictured one of those moving walkways, like you see in airports.  Also knows as a moving sidewalk, skywalk or autowalk.  It's a slow moving conveyor mechanism that transports people over distances.  Jump on and get to your destination.  You get on at point A and get off at point B.  Here is this endlessly moving thing, you choose when to hop on and when to hop off.  Sounds kind of like how we live our lives.  We make choices, or we bumble through the day letting life carry us where it will.  But when I saw that picture in my mind the Lord showed me that even though we think this thing is carrying us, randomly wherever, it is not, it has a destination in mind.  We wake up one day and oh, change it is a-comin'.  But for those of us who have chosen to surrender our lives to Jesus and to follow God's will for our lives, the 'holy cow' change was something that God saw eons ago.  Time has no restrictions for God.  What was, what is, what is to come...it is all the same to Him.  My gallbladder being taken out.  He saw that.  The fact that our business is being sold this week, not next year; He knew that.  The fact that we are selling our house and moving.  Again, no surprise to Him, the great all-seeing God.
The thing I have often found is that if we look back, we will see that God has been preparing us all along, for whatever may come.  For my  health issues, I thank God that for the first time ever we had insurance.  And it was my tax lady who last year offhandedly said that we needed to look into it, that she was sure we would qualify.  I never would have thought.  And low and behold, there was our insurance policy Jan 1st, and mid-January here I am having pain.  I'm on that moving walkway, heading in the direction that God has in store for me.  You don't get on that walkway, planning on going from the ticket counter moving towards the boarding gate and then it suddenly takes off at a tangent and takes you to parts unknown.  There is a plan, there is a design.  Just so with God. 
As I said, we have lived in our home here for 23 years.  I have never thought of not living here.  I have never thought of moving.  Shoot, we just got the house 'finished'; all remodeling done, the backyard and gardens beautiful!  Earlier this year I was home by myself, Jim called and I said, if we ever get another house, this is what I want to do...what??  That was odd.  And then as I have been dealing with surgeries and being ill, one day in trying to rest for some reason I turned on HGTV.  I have never watched that channel.  But I started watching Fixer Upper with the Gaines family.  And as I am watching, I am crying.  Thinking, I want a house that looks like that.  Those colors, that style.  Seemingly totally different from what I have now.   Until I start packing boxes, separating what I want to keep from what I want to sell.  And what is in my keep pile?  All these unique antiques.  That would go perfectly with the style I realized I really love.  Tell me that God does not gently and lovingly prepare our hearts for the changes that  we think have blindsided us. 
One of my favorite hymns is "It is well with my soul", written by Horatio G. Spafford.  He was to be on an ocean liner with his wife and four daughters heading to Europe, but unexpectedly had to stay behind for business reasons.  On that journey, the ocean liner was hit by another vessel and sank.  The only survivor in Horatio's family was his wife, who reportedly said, "One day I will know the reason why this happened".   Horatio booked passage on the next available ship and as they crossed the ocean, the captain called Horatio to his cabin and told him that they were passing over the very spot where the ship went down.  On that journey is where Horatio wrote that beautiful hymn that we still sing to this day.  "When peace like a river attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll, Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."  He knew that His God was aware of it all.  He knew that while that journey was painful beyond imagination that His faith in God was not in vain.  And as you think of those words that he wrote, in worship to His great God, you realize that he and his wife could never realize the profound impact they and their faith would have on humanity.  Random travels...I think not.
I don't know what you are going through today.  The loss of a loved one.  Illness and disease.  Financial hardships.  Relationship problems that have you brokenhearted.  An uncertain future, with seemingly no hope in sight.  My dear friend, none of this has taken our God by surprise.  He is not gasping in unbelief at what you are facing.  He is not throwing His hands up, wondering what will you do!  He has all things in His capable hands.  He has your very life in His hands, and as His cherished child He will not let you go through anything that He will not see you through.  All that He requires is that you walk in His will.  That you trust in His love for you.  Hmmm, funny that one name for that moving walkway is autowalk.  As we grow and mature in our relationship with God, it should become natural, it should become automatic to trust in Him.  As He has proven Himself time and again that He will never leave us nor forsake us, we stay on that autowalk and trust that the destination He has in mind for us is right where we are supposed to be.  Sometimes we can see the what and the why, and maybe sometimes we may not.  Like Horatio and his wife.  They probably never realized the impression they would leave on history by what they had gone through and then choosing to praise God through it all.
I am not saying that we will for certain get that house I so want, with a metal roof, white and soft tones of gray and blue.  I may be in a travel trailer for all I know, but I do know that my future is not a matter of caprice and whim.  It is not up to the fates to decide.  And what I worry about...pssshhh.  I walk by faith and not by sight. My future is held in the hands of the One who loves me beyond belief.  It is held by the One who has an intellect and imagination far greater than I could ever have and I rest in that.  I am on that autowalk, knowing that He holds my present, He holds my future and all I have to do is trust and believe.  And sooner or later I will get to the destination that He has had in mind for me all along.  And, oh the surprises that will come along the way!




Information on hymn found at http://www.staugustine.com/living/religion/2014-10-16/story-behind-song-it-well-my-soul

My sweet husband watched a chick flick with me Sunday.  Usually I am watching car shows with him, but he put this movie on and we sat and watched it together.  It is called 'The Light Between Oceans'.  A heartbreaking movie set in Australia at the end of World War I.  Tom comes back from the war traumatized by all the death, but also by the fact that he managed to survive, seemingly unscathed.  He applies to become a lighthouse keeper on a deserted island at a juncture between the Indian Ocean and the Southern Ocean, one hundred miles away from the nearest town.  While finalizing his assignment in Port Partageuse he meets Isabel, a local girl who has dealt with her own loss.  Her two brothers died in the war.  She is the last surviving child in her family.  She and Tom end up marrying, trying to have children on that lonely rock.  She has two miscarriages and seems to be losing her hold on sanity.  Then a dingy washes up on the shore of that island and in it is a dead man and a little baby.  Isabel believes that the baby was sent to them, that she could save it and it could save her.
You see these poor broken people. Tom being saved by the love of Isabel.  Isabel being saved by Tom's sacrifice.  The baby being saved by them both.  Long story, beautiful movie.  They find out the birth mother is still alive and has been grieving the loss of her husband and child.  Tom cannot live with the burden and finally they are found out.  If you have not seen it I won't give away the whole plot, but Hannah the birth mother must make some difficult decisions. 
Many of us spend our whole lives trying to do what it is not our job to do.  We make decisions out of our pain.  We react to circumstances rather than seek God's will as to what to do.  We try to be savior to our loved ones, when we cannot possibly carry that burden.  We hide our hurts, bury our misery, ignore our agony all the while not quite fooling ourselves.  We live between two worlds.  The world where we are captain of our own ship and the world where we give all to the Lord.  Much like that isle in the movie.  A barren, windswept rock between the Indian and Southern oceans.  And on that rock stands a lighthouse.  The question is, when we see that light, what do we do?
In the movie, there seems to be no save haven for any of them.  The pained soldier trying to come to grips with a chance at life after so much destruction.  The young woman who cannot carry a child to term.  Or the bereaved widow who has lost husband and daughter.  Hannah is caught in a horrible place.  Can she forgive these people who seem to have taken so much from her.  She is shown reminiscing about her husband Frank, a German who is hated by the local townsfolk.  In their eyes, he is a reminder of all they have lost, of who they have lost.  But he has a heart that is filled with love and life and forgiveness.  When Hannah asks Frank how he can get past all of their hatred he responds, "You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day, all the time. You have to keep remembering the bad things. It's too much work."  She remembers what Frank says and chooses to forgive Tom and Isabel for taking her child. 
While watching this movie, after hearing that line, I just wept.  Yes, for the characters, yes for my own inability to sometimes forgive others.  But what the majority of my tears were for was the fact of Jesus' forgiveness for us all.  He only had to forgive once; for all of us, for all of our sins.  God chose to cast our sins away, as it says in Psalm 103:12, "He has removed our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west." (TLB)  And because of that decision, it is not hard work for Him to not remember.  He has chosen to forget, He has chosen to blot our sins out with the blood of His Son, and since God cannot lie He remembers them no longer.  All it rests on is our making a choice.  Just as where the Indian and Southern oceans meet, although fictitious in the movie, in reality Cape Leeuwin marks the point where the Indian Ocean meets the Southern Ocean. At diverse times of the year the differing ocean currents, waves and swell patterns are evident in the waters around Cape Leeuwin.  And therein lies the danger and the need for a lighthouse.  What current will you be in?  What current will you choose to follow?  We can be swept away by the mores and standards of the world and live our lives based on our feelings and emotions or we can enter into the current that carries us into God's will.  There is a lighthouse shining in the dark.  Just as the lighthouse keeper kept that light shining throughout the dark of night, throughout storms and tempests, Jesus is a beacon to us now.  He is that light radiant in the gloom of life.  He is that signal, that guide showing us the way to safety.  He is that watchtower ablaze with life and hope and peace.  When all seems darkest, when you cannot find the way.  When peace eludes you.  When confusion seems to swirl around you.  When you cannot get past the hurts and injuries that others have caused you, seek the Light.  He will show you the way to Life, and that life will be abundant with all the goodness that comes with His love.

Picture from Pixabay.com, attributed to EvgeniT