I never lost my trust in the Lord but it felt like He was a million miles away. I know He never moved, that it was my own dull hearing and lack of vision that made me lose sight of Him, but the distance felt overwhelming. I felt as though I fell into a depression, a sadness and feeling of loss that I could not get through. I knew I still had to 'do' life; people have to eat, clothes have to be washed, bills need to be paid but all I felt was despair. I guess I could have just gone to bed and never gotten out of it. There were days that I certainly wanted to. There were lots of days where it was just getting the bare minimum done and watching Hallmark movies all day. Right, like that's going to make me feel better; they all got their happy endings.
To my shame the way I dealt with that depression and feelings of loss was to eat. That is what I have always fallen back on. I look back and see the patterns, see the way I just default to that response. Sugar, whatever I can fill my mouth with to make me feel better for the moment. And the thing about dealing with depression this way is that everyone can see it. I feel ashamed of myself. I now more than ever don't even want to leave the house because I am so embarrassed by the weight I have put on. I have a beautiful car I could be driving but I am humiliated to even get into it. It feels like with every pound that went on that the 'Loser' sign on my forehead just got larger. So it becomes a vicious circle; stay inside and eat, feel ashamed and don't want to get out, so I eat. Feel as though any self-control I have is gone, eat.
My best friend always says that people don't really know me. That they see me a certain way, all put together and on top of the world basically. You know what, all of us wear masks. We all hide things, we all have pain that needs to be dealt with. I am a woman who has gone through hell, been received into the heavenly realm by my Father and I still struggle. When you think of people losing control you think of drugs or alcohol or drastic dangerous behavior. I've done all of that. Now this is my nemesis. This is my shame. And honestly at the moment I don't see a way out of it. There have been so many times I just pulled myself up by my boot straps and kept going, but I am tired and I am weary and I just don't have it in me. I can't even seem to wrap my head around getting healthy again, about taking control again. And don't say that we can do all things through Christ...yes, I know that. I have spouted that. I have proclaimed that from the rooftops. But sometimes just breathing is too much.
Many of us have struggles. Many of us have shameful things we do or think and to tell us that we just need to pull ourselves together and trust God is almost an abomination. Don't you think that just opening our eyes up in the morning is the greatest act of trust that we can have at the moment? Don't you know that we beat ourselves up, not daily but by the minute for our failures, our lack? That we think, "God am I too far gone for you to get me through this?", and then feel like more of a failure for our lack of faith. My prayer is always, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief".
This is not a message of hopelessness. Rather this for me is a message of hope. My only hope is in Him, and even if I can't see the answer right now I know it will come. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I do know He is faithful. My point in this message is to let you know that, as the song by We Are Messengers says 'it's ok not to be ok'. Don't you think that the God that knew you before you were so carefully crafted in your mother's womb really knows you? Don't you know He sees your faults and your failings and that He still loves you? Oh, Lord you are my only hope and that is what I hold on to every day. Even every day that as I lay my head down to try to sleep I know that I failed again...the only thing that will not fail is His love for me.
Dear child, you are not perfect, but you are being perfected in Him. Even in this season of hopelessness and despair, this time of frustration and anger He still holds you. Even when all seems lost, you are not. And yes, I say this all to myself right now and pray that today is the day that I not only believe this, but that I can live it. But also to realize that if I do fall He will always pick me up. There is always hope...in Him.
To be continued...
To listen to the song by We Are Messengers, follow this link